Vitality

Sometimes the only time I can write is if I handwrite in my journals, I might be at a park or in bed, no energy, but trying to squeeze something in that makes me feel better about the day. I am not blogging much lately because I am going on my vacation in a week, and usually it takes all my free time to plan and pack. Today I had the day off and picked my daugther up from preschool when the other moms did, and she ran over to me, nearly tackled me and proudly introduced me to everyone there, "this is MY MOM, she is MY BEST FRIEND and I am going to SPEND WITH HER TODAY...can we go to your work mommy and can I work there too and get a desk so I can spend with you at work...." How cute yet sad in a way. Well, we went shopping for a Halloween costume, she wanted Sleeping Beauty, I knew I would pay twice as much as Target where I work, if I went to the costume store in town, but did not want to go into the store I worked in on my day off (my first rule about days off!). We found it, and then we went to get lobsters and scallops for dinner, what a wonderful day!

My Sweetest Pleasure

One of my greatest pleasures are my daugther's birthday parties. You see, when I was pregnant, I had a lot of worries and the worst was always in the back of my mind, actually in the front of my mind. Each birthday is just a complete celebration of her life, each day is a celebration that I have her in my life, and I thank god for her. I love bringing family and friends together each year for this, I try to be a little creative with the theme. I have more pics I will post, but wanted to throw a quick one together before I leave for work. We had a garden theme, but added bugs to it because there were a few boys there and I didn't want to have them get completely bored with flowers. I got into the stamping thing, so I made her an adorable banner for her birthday and tied lots of pretty fabric ribbons to it, and I stamped bugs, bees, catepillars and taped them on the tables and hung them inside. I got the most adorable tablecloths from Target (the place I spend 50 hours a week working) that were on clearance, I actually picked up more even marked down to 75% the other day, and I will have even more tables covered with these sherbety colors. We had a jumpy house, water slide, the swing set and our trampoline, I think the kids all had fun. It lasted a long time, the last guests leaving at 830 (started at 1 I think? or was it 2??) It was a blast, we made flower cookies with pink and green icing, flower and butterfly shaped sandwiches for the kiddies. I had lots of sandwiches and salads for the adults. I still have yet to create the thank you cards, but will this week. She had so much fun, but really all she couldnt wait for was the cake. All the kids wanted one of the ladybugs on the cake, so next year, whatever theme I have, I will make sure that I have extra frosting with lady bugs, flowers, so all kids can have a special frosting on their piece! We had a bumblebee and strawberry pinata..and a table where you could paint your flower pot or rock....I just love my girl..so much that I think of her every breath I take...I want her to know that she means the world to me...Happy 5th Kayla! You just amaze me...your depth, your knowledge....the things you come up with ....simply amaze me....when I close my eyes, I envision you as a Wise Child, the meaning of your name...you are my every breath...I once said to you Kayla, you are getting too big, you are not a baby anymore, and I looked sad, you replied "Dont be sad, I will still be your sweetie girl and daddys squeeky girl when I am 19 years old". I will miss you when I am at work today, but I know you will be at preschool learning and playing with your friends...and tomorrow is Mommy and Kayla day..tuesday, its the first thing you do when you wake up ...Is it Tuesday? Yes it is! Tomorrow we have a school trip, they always make them on Tuesdays because they know it is my only day off, during the week, we will go apple and pumpkin picking....I cant wait to 'Spend with you" as you always say.....

Three Pekes

I wrote a long post about my dogs and lost it this morning, I am sure this one wont be as passionate as the first one was! It is almost midnight, just got back from work and cant fall asleep yet, so wanted to write about my adorable doggies. When we first bought our home about maybe 8 years ago, my husband came home on Christmas eve with Chloe. She belonged to a very financially wealthy man that my husband did work for. He was bringing her to a shelter because she did not get along with the others. My hubby did not have the heart to lose Chloe. We had lived on this guys property at one time, and really had gotten to love all of his doggies. We took Chloe in, and she was pregnant, no wonder she wasn't getting along with the rest, I was a little bitchy too when I was pregnant! I watched Chloe give birth to five puppies, and my husband was the best ever, knew exactly what to do. She was awesome...the whole experience was absolutely breath taking. She just took such good care of herself and her little ones. She is the one in the middle in the picture. We kept two of the puppies, Lally - the runt, and CJ (chloe Jr. she looks just like her!). We gave away the other three; one went to the rich guy (Ozzie), one to my college roommate (Scruffy) and another to a friend Mark had worked with (Sugar). I had paid to have them all fixed, and off they went to their new owners. They all have such different experiences and live in such different places. Ozzie was peeing all over the rich guys rugs (paybacks) so he called one Sunday morning and told me that he was bringing Ozzie to a shelter and wanted to tell me first because he knew I would be hurt if he didn't, well, yeah, just give your baby away again! So my roommate from college got a wake up call and the next day she drove 7 hours to pick Ozzie up! I didn't want to give him up because I had slept with him that night, bu tnew Melissa had one of the litter already and it would be nice for Scruffy to have a buddy. These doggies are just loves! Let me tell you, they changed my life! Lally recently came down with Lymes disease and all three are being vaccinated for this, over the past three months, I have had all three to the vet three times. Chloe is getting old, and a little fat. I couldn't ask for more with doggies, the love they have given me is wonderful. My daughter loves them and everyone that comes by just adores them. I guess the love in my home just rubs off on everyone...maybe that is why everyone ends up here all the time...I just love to be surrounded with animals and people all of the time....I am sorry the old rich guy couldn't handle a dog, really unbelievable...things were so indisposable to him, I remember when he went away for the weekend, he asked my hubby to watch the dogs and for some reason the dogs shit all over his 11 million dollar house, and he came to our house with a deli bag from some famous deli in New York and mark came inside all excited that his idol, Don brought him home something for watching his dogs and it was a BAG OF DOG SHIT, yes my friends, a bag of dog shit, so sweet....bastard....we moved out that next month and bought our house...but What a total lack of respect....I felt so badly for Mark...I remember how badly he felt..I really wanted to go find him and smoosh it in his face...well, he moved too and now Mark has his shop on the guy who bought the property...where we used to live, so it kind of worked out for the best...You see, Mr. Multi Million just threw his dogs away and threw some shit our way, what a nice reward for working our asses off there, but in the long run, Mark has his dream shop and has done some dream work for the new owners..he deserves it.....well, I am getting sleepy..good night

The Lies I Tell Myself

I am catching up with http://www.mixedmediamemoirs.com/ which I made a commitment to when I started blogging, it got me to journal more and think weekly of a topic and what it meant to me. This week's topic is 'The lies I tell Myself". I think I brush things off a lot and don't think of how some things affect me, for the safely of myself and others. I take the burden of a lot of hurt feelings of everyone, to spare them pain. In other words, I beat myself up over everything. Sometimes I am just oblivious to things because they bother me so much I cannot confront them. Writing helps, and my new healthy outlook has been helping. I broke down and went to weight watchers, I could stand to lose about 20. I didn't feel so bad when I saw 99% of the people there were a lot larger than I was. I felt that this is not so much of an issue, it can be fixed with the loss of a few pounds, that is all. I have achieved greater things in life, why make it so hard. So, I have been doing it for a week, getting through my 10 hour work days easier with more energy, accomplishing more around the house, feeling better in my clothes. I don't have a scale, so I don't know how much I have lost, I hope I did some because it will feel better when they go around the room with success stories. So, I have already come a long way with the Reading True Balance group, I am grateful to have found this book and the group reading it. (I have to post the photo tomorrow, cant upload it for some reason)....

Starting to Blog

Melba wrotehttp://www.bealivebelievebeyou.com/ in her post how we met and how I started blogging. I have always been an open and honest person, and never really held back my feelings, although most don't understand me and my sensitivity so I thought blogging would be a place where I could express myself creatively and sensitively and meet some people that would better understand me and offer me advice. My most recent post was a little too personal, more so than I thought I should be getting here, and I am just not comfortable now that I have revealed a certain piece in my life that I struggle with. We all have our troubles and our challenges and I am grateful for a lot in my life. There is a lot of work with relationships that I have to work with, but this was a start, I appreciate everyone's words and support. This is the first piece I wrote about in my journal before I started blogging and when I started reading Melbas blog. I am grateful for her and her introduction into the blogging world, at first I was pertrified about people I didn't know reading my words, and getting to know me, but now I feel like it has truly supported me, especially with my post yesterday. It is only the beginning to get to know all of you and for you to get to know me. I am excited to be reading True Balance and have a lot to say about the second chakra.

I become off balance when...

For Melbas http://www.bealivebelievebeyou.com/believe/ Mixed Media Memoirs tMixed Media Memoirs; a weekly challenge where writing and art merge topic last week, 'I become off balance when', I decided I had a rough time getting through the Book True Balances first chapter. I have a hard time accepting myself and lack confidence in what I do. I always think I am not good enough, have not done enough, didn't do a good enough job, need to do more. There are certain people in my life that understand me. I was speaking with a friend of mine last night, my dearest friend, the one that understands me the most in life, and I told her something that had happened yesterday, something that I did to stick up for myself. She told me how proud of me she was, how great it was that I did it, and it was what I should have done. Then I told her what my friend who I did this to would probably say to me, something she has said to me in the past. "You're in a mood"...this is something this particular friend has said to me a few times. Deb stopped me and said, Pauline, I can't believe someone would say something like that..Pauline, for all these years we have known eachother, have you ever heard me say something like that to you, I wouldn't even think of it". She was stunned that I would take that from someone. She was surprised that I spend my time with people that say things like that. I decided that I am not going to just let everything slide all of the time, and I am not going to always just be silent when something bothers me. Like when my daughter came up to me after her first soccer game. I worked from 4am-130pm so that I could go to her game. I drove from work and rushed there, making it about 20 minutes late. I had an emergency at work and had to take care of something as the 'leader on duty'. I was sweating trying to get out of there. I get to the field, and just about everyone there I knew, from one place or another, everyone came over to me, to say hello and chat..it felt so good that I was 'liked'. So, my husband was giving me a little attitude because I was late. When it was all over, my husband went over to my daughter and she came running over to me in front of everyone and kicked me in the shins, and said, 'Mommy I am mad at you, because you were late'. In front of everyone, I apologized for being late and hugged her and told her I had an emergency at work. I looked at my husband because I was certain he told her to do that, because he honestly thought I ran late, didnt give a crap and didnt try to get there on time. I was so exhausted, I had someone turn on all the airfresheners on high at the store I worked at and the fragrance was causing everyone to cough and nearly choke. I spent the day on the phone trying to get the issues fixed and all along, thought that I have GOT to get out of here to get to her game. My husband seemed to think that I didnt care about my family. I know I should not be bitching on line, but I just sat when I got home completely exhausted and thought, I tried so hard for everyone, and I just got the shit kicked out of me, how awful, I just wanted to crawl into bed and cry. I dont know why I let people treat me badly sometimes. I just dont know. I guess I take the good with the bad, but just feel like I am disrespected a lot of times. I need to stick up for myself, and treat myself with more respect by not taking that crap from anyone anymore. I dont want you all to think that I am just this total depressed mess, I am not, but I just think that people suck sometimes, even husbands. He is waiting for his backrub right now because he looked stressed this morning and I told him that when I got home from work I would give him a nice massage....why do I just bounce back and act like it doesnt bother me...my kid is asleep sick with a fever right now, but tomorrow there will be a little family chat about how we should respect eachother and joking or not kicking me in the shins was so far from acceptable, and daddy will be doing all the talking...I talked to him about this last night and he said he DID Not tell her to do that...But I did leave out the fact that I was supposed to show up on time with her water bottle, I ensured him that I would and she was the only kid with one...next time I just dont need to put this much pressure on myself...the expectations of even being there were too much for me with my job and schedule...but in their eyes, I was late for the water and when I got there she was dripping with sweat and ran to me for drink...I was bitching to all of you but didnt tell the whole story...but we are all having a chat tonight about respect and how hard we all work, all three of us...

September 11

We all remember that day....we all know where we were, how we heard, what we saw...it is like yesterday. I had been home from the hospital after giving birth to a sweet little girl for only two days. I was holding her in the living room and it came on...the news...we watched the second tower live being hit....I handed the baby to my husband and started freaking out...my mom worked real close to Manhattan, just on the edge of Queens, my brothers' friends worked at the World Trade Center, my friends' friends/ I had not lived in New York for quite some years, having settled down in a small country town in Massachusetts. When Mark and I got our first place in New York, he bought a painting, one that sits over our mantle, of the New York City skyline, with the Twin Towers in the middle. My dream was to work in Manhattan, live there, maybe work for the United Nations. I have a degree in International Business and always dreamed of working in the city. My life changed somewhat and other decisions were made based on the one I decided to spend the rest of my life with.
Mark took Kayla, then handed her back to me, I asked him, wow, that guy is in a lot of trouble for doing that, what a jerk. He said, that wasnt a guy, that was a plot. He told me about the size of the plane that hit right away, he was in the Airforce and he said, you know, I might get sent away. He is in the Reserves. Luckily, he was not sent away. For the next few months, I kept CNN going all day long, it brough an extreme amount of stress to my days of having a new born home. One day I decided to turn it off. I think that was months later. I also remember hearing my brothers' voices on the other other end of the phone soon after the Towers were hit, they were crying....they couldn't stop...they thought the world was coming to an end. We couldnt get in touch with my mom for about 24 hours. She went into work and when she got there, she found out. The mentally ill people she worked with were running around out of control, that is how she found out. They were all connected to someone. I think we all were. A friend of mine, her husband worked there, and a few months before quit to get his Masters in teaching. His entire company was lost, and his best friend/neighbor who he worked with. The family has two children, her children's age, they go to school together now. They eventually found the man's body and send the family his wedding ring. These details you only hear when you know someone who knew someone. My friends son was sent to Iraq and lost his friend's life and lost some of his fingers as well. I was thinking of 9.11 all week and wanted to just get it out of my system. We read the articles all the time about how families are doing. I especially feel for the young children and the wifes that were pregnant. It is all so sad. I look at my painting and always wonder when I should get rid of it, it is painful to look at everyday. I wonder when my little girl will hear about her first days at home, probably in some history class.

First Chakra...Foundation

Once again, you will have to double click on images to be able to read..one of these days I will figure this all out...still cant get the posting thing down..the first page is the last....so you can read them in that order...need to get off to work this morning...finished the first chapter of the book that I am reading to help me figure out how I can acheive better balance within myself and my surroundings. I want this to be a new day, I want to be relieved of the stresses at work, I want to love everything around me without dispespecting anyone and anything. When I get stressed, it comes out in many ways. I hosted a birthday party for my little girl this weekend, something that I think of all year round, because I just love her to death, and I love having parties for children...it was fun...there were a total of 50 people there, 22 kids...it took a lot of hard work going into it, but I just love to see everyone enjoying their time with their little ones...a lot of people say I over do things, but I just love being creative and love seeing people interact with eachother and having a good time. I am onto the next step in life here, I want to give my little one a sibling, but life over the past five years has been such an adjustment, I want to feel ready for the next step in life....and I dont...mostly because of my weight...I am going to join Weight Watchers tonight even though it interferes with me watching my little one doing Karate, daddy will have to just be there for her...I need to do this for myself..I am 25 pounds heavier than I was five years ago when I got pregnant with K. I am a bit stressed this morning going to work, I have a new position and have to address some issues and some new programs and sometimes I feel like my brain is fried and I have to struggle with the information. I used to be able to get up in front of hundreds of people in a suit, feel good and come out with great results, and now I am struggling just learning and communicating some new cash register software....hmmm...cant even figure that all out...something must be wrong with me... I need to focus..I need to let go of my old position at work and stop worrying why it isnt the same as it was when I was doing it...I need to stop taking responsibility for others....I need to motivate people to do well for themselves and stop trying to tackle this on my own...delegate..isnt that what management is all about? I need to invest time in others and stop letting all this get to me....I am having a meeting with my team today..I want it to be positive..enlightening...fun...but I am having a hard time pulling my things together this morning just to get out the door....iron clothes, karate outfits, pack lunches, literally leaving the house at 630 am and not coming home until 800 pm stresses me out....sorry but it does....I need to find a better routine I think...I am exhausted

True Balance

In order to post this, I have to get it done now, in spite of time. If you double click on the writing, you can read it larger. The right hand side is page one. I know I will get better at this, but for now, this is what I will post. Life is a balancing act today, so I will just close my eyes and pray that I can prioritize what is important. Can't wait to start reading the book!