I become off balance when...

For Melbas http://www.bealivebelievebeyou.com/believe/ Mixed Media Memoirs tMixed Media Memoirs; a weekly challenge where writing and art merge topic last week, 'I become off balance when', I decided I had a rough time getting through the Book True Balances first chapter. I have a hard time accepting myself and lack confidence in what I do. I always think I am not good enough, have not done enough, didn't do a good enough job, need to do more. There are certain people in my life that understand me. I was speaking with a friend of mine last night, my dearest friend, the one that understands me the most in life, and I told her something that had happened yesterday, something that I did to stick up for myself. She told me how proud of me she was, how great it was that I did it, and it was what I should have done. Then I told her what my friend who I did this to would probably say to me, something she has said to me in the past. "You're in a mood"...this is something this particular friend has said to me a few times. Deb stopped me and said, Pauline, I can't believe someone would say something like that..Pauline, for all these years we have known eachother, have you ever heard me say something like that to you, I wouldn't even think of it". She was stunned that I would take that from someone. She was surprised that I spend my time with people that say things like that. I decided that I am not going to just let everything slide all of the time, and I am not going to always just be silent when something bothers me. Like when my daughter came up to me after her first soccer game. I worked from 4am-130pm so that I could go to her game. I drove from work and rushed there, making it about 20 minutes late. I had an emergency at work and had to take care of something as the 'leader on duty'. I was sweating trying to get out of there. I get to the field, and just about everyone there I knew, from one place or another, everyone came over to me, to say hello and chat..it felt so good that I was 'liked'. So, my husband was giving me a little attitude because I was late. When it was all over, my husband went over to my daughter and she came running over to me in front of everyone and kicked me in the shins, and said, 'Mommy I am mad at you, because you were late'. In front of everyone, I apologized for being late and hugged her and told her I had an emergency at work. I looked at my husband because I was certain he told her to do that, because he honestly thought I ran late, didnt give a crap and didnt try to get there on time. I was so exhausted, I had someone turn on all the airfresheners on high at the store I worked at and the fragrance was causing everyone to cough and nearly choke. I spent the day on the phone trying to get the issues fixed and all along, thought that I have GOT to get out of here to get to her game. My husband seemed to think that I didnt care about my family. I know I should not be bitching on line, but I just sat when I got home completely exhausted and thought, I tried so hard for everyone, and I just got the shit kicked out of me, how awful, I just wanted to crawl into bed and cry. I dont know why I let people treat me badly sometimes. I just dont know. I guess I take the good with the bad, but just feel like I am disrespected a lot of times. I need to stick up for myself, and treat myself with more respect by not taking that crap from anyone anymore. I dont want you all to think that I am just this total depressed mess, I am not, but I just think that people suck sometimes, even husbands. He is waiting for his backrub right now because he looked stressed this morning and I told him that when I got home from work I would give him a nice massage....why do I just bounce back and act like it doesnt bother me...my kid is asleep sick with a fever right now, but tomorrow there will be a little family chat about how we should respect eachother and joking or not kicking me in the shins was so far from acceptable, and daddy will be doing all the talking...I talked to him about this last night and he said he DID Not tell her to do that...But I did leave out the fact that I was supposed to show up on time with her water bottle, I ensured him that I would and she was the only kid with one...next time I just dont need to put this much pressure on myself...the expectations of even being there were too much for me with my job and schedule...but in their eyes, I was late for the water and when I got there she was dripping with sweat and ran to me for drink...I was bitching to all of you but didnt tell the whole story...but we are all having a chat tonight about respect and how hard we all work, all three of us...