This Season I Will...

This Week's topic for Melbas Be Alive Believe Be You Mixed Media Memoirs is 'This Season I will". I seem to make these commitments, and document them each and every day. The night time comes and all hell breaks loose, I don't know why. My sleep pattern is my biggest struggle and I don't know how to fix it. We went as far as buying a new bed when it was not close to time to changing our mattress. As the few who read my blog have commented, I am too hard on myself and need to breath, relax, take some yoga, etc. These are things that have improved in my life greatly, but I still have a long journey. I have let go of many of my stresses, guilt about not spending time with my family, friends. I have conquered that and make commitments that I have followed through and through with. I am happy with my relationships, no regrets! I have in the past been very aggressive at taking classes at the gym, completing hour classes of power step, power yoga, achieving moves that I thought only the incredibly strong minded could do. I used to be solid, no jiggling. Now everything seems to have settled on my skinny bones, layers and layers of fat, yes my girlfriends, fat. And yes I am fat. I hide it very well with clothing and style. I am not a rag a muffin, I dress nicely and spend what I need to on myself to 'try' to feel good. I do have bins upon bins of clothing that won't fit me. I want to get rid of them and work on losing weight and then getting pregnant again. I am approaching 39. At Melbas event, which is ironically held at a turning point in my life (the big 40) justBe...connected , yes ON THAT DAY. What a blessing! I have something WONDERFUL to do on a day that I have been DREADING. I truthfully thing about losing weight EVERYDAY and having another baby. I can afford a trainer, whatever it would take, but I just cant stay focused. My job soaks up my physical energy. I am beat by the time I get home, enough for loving family moments and picking up the house. I HAVE to squeeze in dieting and exercising. I know all the tools, the ways to incorporate it into my lifestyle and was doing so so well until there was a death in the neighborhood, and could not get back on track. I sink, I get depressed when others are hurting. If you tell me something sad, I bleed inside, I have been this sensitive since I was a child. I used to want to go after women that were yelling at their children. I need to stay on top of myself. I need to do this. I have several people in my life that I can look to for support on this, I just am stubborn when it comes to looking for help with my dieting. I want Kayla to have a sibling, but cannot until I lose about 20 pounds. I did it once before, I need to do it again. I need to start today. I will, I want to. I will have to bore with you the details on this blog, I don't know where else I can feel comfortable with this right now. I want to feel good in my clothes. I saw pictures of myself from last weekend and I looked MUCH better than I felt, it made me feel great to see them. I didn't want my mother to take pictures and have my dad see how fat I got, but was relieved when I saw them in the mail, my clothing seemed to take away from the blubber. This is the only thing I would really change right now, I need to feel good and I think it would change a lot in my life. There is a parade on Tuesday and I don't want to go because I am fat. When my grandmother died, I didn't go see her before she passed away because I was fat. Please don't feel badly for me, I know I am strong enough to take responsibility. I need to find the time and energy to take care of myself, journaling, crafting has helped, but I need to take it a step further. Between work and caring for family, I need to fit it in, I might have less time for crafting, but I need to do this.