The Nightmare

The hardest part of my nightmare is over, after two years. Without saying much here, lets say that it caused me to go out on a mental health LOA for five months. I do not know anyone in my life that has been through what we have been through as a family. The hardest part for most involved is over, however, the events will leave scars on my family forever. I want to get back to feeling good, but it will take time to heal. There are no support groups for what my family has encountered, I may start one. I have reached out to a few in my community that have sufferred something similar, but not exactly. I sometimes do not know how to help my daughter through recovering from this pain and suffering. She has experienced things that no 8 year old should have to. She is strong, but this pain will follow her through life. I want to continue to make the right decisions for us as a family. The social aspect has been the hardest, having lies about you spread amongst the community, the stares that I get when showing up to events that my old friends wish I didnt show up to. I have gotten no support from the community I live in and people wish I would just move away. No one knows the story, the lies. The believe one side of the story and those that have spoken about it. I have not spoken, I have respect the privacy of all lives involved. My reputation has been ruined, and people look at me in a way that I am a trouble woman, living a lie. I am not. I know the truth and will hold that truth close to my heart, and not hurt others by letting my side of the story out. I have to live a life now with caution in creating friendships. I need to move on from here with some sort of plan, just dont know what that is. No one can give me advice, I have to make the choices from here, what is best for my family, especially my daughter who has been robbed of her childhood for many years. Our government and systems that we have in place have treated us unfairly and there is a lot of healing to do, not sure if I have the strength to fight these systems anymore, however, I want them to know that I am not going to give up and into them. Although we 'won', there is no victory here, just sad spirits that this was brought upon our family. I hope that someday I can move in a direction that will be begin to help heal our wounds. I will start by blogging and go from there.

Squeeking By

Without letting my story out, I have been faced with some traumatic events, causing me to be somewhat financially strapped...managing for a while as a single mother paying all the bills, but really having a tough time now being faced with the possiblity of losing my job. My salary is good and if I do lose my job, I will have to get very creative to make ends meet...in this economy I wont be able to continue to make this kind of salary anywhere...so I will have to be very resourceful......every dollar counts right now...today I brought some canned sodas to a party at the bowling alley so when my daughter asked to buy something from the vending machine at the birthday party she was at, I would have something available to her, learned to have extra candy in my bag too...little things help a lot..I dont do trash bags....use recycled ones..and dont spend the money on paper towels either, use a few washclothes and just wash them with the laundry each day...I pack my lunch everyday and even take the can home with me now...cut and color my own hair and make my own birthday presents for my daughters friends when she is invited to a party....make my own cards too...dont know what else I can do....little cuts here and there and selling crafts on the side have kept me going for quite sometime....then I am hit with an excise tax bill..dont really have an extra 350 laying around..time to sell more stuff on ebay, and get the bags ready for thrift shops....any creative ideas out there?? could really use some tips! With First Holy Communions coming around, I am going to handmake some cards and invitations and chocolate cross favors and spread the word.....Kayla is making hers this year and last year I made the neighbors favors and invitations...really can use some great ideas....not simple ones like dont go out to eat (we dont)..the only time I go out to eat is to Moes and Kayla has something for 3.00 and I dont eat.....I tell her I am not hungry....I do it for her....the shoes I am wearing were from a thrift store and I have worn the same ones for a year and a half..so I dont splurge on myself at all....I have traded babysitting with cleaning houses when I am in dire straits too....I have reached out to the govt...no assistance for me! I make too much money! Ideas??

Reaching Out

For the first time reaching out for help, I finally got some that inspired me to do something different, take a look at how I handle things and be the strong one that had to explain things to K. Long story short, numbers were given in error to me, people to contact in the wrong departments, voicemail issues, IVR issues, you see, I am an advocate for my child and just dont stop until I get answers and information that I am comfortable with. Today, my daughter, went in for a VCUG. If you read about it on the internet, there is a lot of tough stories. Trauma, stress, pain, discomfort. I even have a nurse friend whose daughter went through it and she had to hold her down the whole time. I heared it is invasive, painful, and horrible.

Today was PERFECT.

I was on a plan of when to tell her, what to say, what words to use, what items she would pick up to go to the procedure.

She cried for about 3 seconds. She said she wanted to go home. She did not even FEEL the catheter going in (when I asked her on the way home, how did it feel when the doctor put that thing in your pee pee, she said it felt WARM! AH!). My little spitfire was watching the xray TV and commenting how cool it was that she could see the tube and her pee pee on the TV!

All worries are gone...she is done with this and she does not have Kidney Relux. The UTI and 105 fevers were just a bad combination, probably some horrible flu mixed up with a UTI. Un freaking believable she is....I just cant describe how proud I am of my little angel.

She asked me if from now on she could go to Childrens Hospital in Boston when she gets sick. I asked her why and she said because nothing hurts there...

I know I got all worked up but who wouldn't...

Thank you to my new friends at CaC for your support, I just absolutely got through this with your support and these child life specialists that I reached out to! I am nominating one of them for an award that they give out each month. My letters to their whole staff will go out tonight....

halleluhia!

Thank you

You all know who you are, there a a few that have really given me some words of encouragement through emails and prayers. Thank you, I am sitting here at peace with the situation with K and what she needs to go through. We have packed a bag of her favorite things, which she helped to pick out and is excited about the whole thing!@ Imagine that! She picked out her favorite blanket, not one of those little ones, it is queen sized fuzzy and purple, hey whatever works! Her favorite pillow, cd player and hannah montanna CD is in the bag, two stuffed animals that they will demonstrate the procedure on before they go along with anything. I am wearing a necklace that I got in my first swap, it says Have Faith, and wearing my pink and white Life is Good Shirt....so is K, I have one for her too...I also contacted a group at the hospital that is called Child Life Resources that have helped me get together a plan for all of this, when to tell her, how and what to tell her about the procedure. I reached out and feel like taking that necklace off after this is over and giving it to a special girl named Karen who just walked me through everything and got all the specialists to call me and speak with me about everything. God Bless Her!

Thank you again..Life IS GOOD

Happy Easter

I did it, I managed to work another retail holiday weekend and still make time to take K to see the Easter Bunny at the mall before work today. I am so glad I did, because little miss thanked me on the way home, "Mommy thank you so much for taking me to see the Easter Bunny, and for getting my picture taken, I love my pictures". My daughter is always so grateful and appreciative. Every single person she saw at the mall, she would stop to tell them she was on her way to see the Easter Bunny and she would go on and on with so much to say. She is my little bunny. We made these cute little felt bunnies all dressed with different bows in their hair, necklaces, that she put all around the foam spring houses that we made. She llllllloves them. Whenever she says the word Love, she drags the L out..LLLLLLLLLove...I LLLLLLLove that she does this..I bought her a pair of cute shoes the other day, she said I llllllllllllllllove my shoes....well, I hope everyone has a Happy Easter if you celebrate it....

Movies

Tammy, from , Mimmsical Creations! has hosted as part of CAC s Getting to Know You - Let's go to the movies
For week one - I thought we'd start off with one of my favorite things - The Movies. I love movies - all types! I am hard pressed to pick favorites, but here goes!

Name your all-time favorite movie! (Or if you're like me, narrow it down to your top five!)

My favorite movie of all time was the Little Mermaid, I was doing an internship at the time down at WDW and my little brother, I think he was in the 7th grade, was down visiting me. We went and it was amazing. We both loved Disney movies as children and as he was growing up, I used to buy them for him. We have a very special relationship and to have him there with me while I was home sick, was sweet.

What genre of movie do you like best?
I like dramas the most, romantic comedy too.

What movie made you cry the most?
9/11. It was mixed emotions, I was crying with happiness for those that were reunited with their loved ones, but at the same time remembering the pain we all felt that day.

Have you ever applauded during a movie in the theatre? Which one? If not, what would make you do that? I dont remember ever doing that, but would not be embarrassed to do it either, I am a pretty expressive person. The last movie though, the two little kids with me did applaud at hte Teenage mutant ninja turtle movie.

Do you own any soundtracks from movies? Which is your favorite and why did the music inspire you? I have the rent cd, went to see the play and the movie. I just like to crank it up and clean the house, it makes me want to dance....the songs are very meaningful...No day like today, I think is one of the songs that really inspired me...

Is there a particular actor or actress who inspires you? Why do you like him or her?
I like Meryl Streep, she makes me laugh and being a serious person all the time, I like her humor.

Is there a particular actor or actress who you just dislike and will not see their movies? Why?
I dont know why, I used to have a thing for tom cruise, but for some reason, now, he just doesnt thrill me.

Have you ever dreamed of being an actor? Which role would be your dream role?
I used to host the neighborhood plays and liked acting and doing shows, but never dreamed of being an actress....I am a little shy (most would not know that about me), but think I am unique from anyone, my dream would be like a healer going around making people feel better physically and mentally, helping children...

If there was ever a movie made of your life, who should star as you?
I dont really see a lot of movies and really have not been able to see myself as anyone else...people say I sound like the Nanny (because I live in reserved New England and my Long Island Accent and whine and nasily voice makes people cringe sometimes)

Getting to Know Me

I am trying to participate more with Melbas CaC. Tuesday is Getting to Know you Day and I am going to attempt to answer as many of these cool questions before my little one gets up, I try not to be on the computer or phone in the hours that she is awake, I don't get a lot of time with her and those hours are cherished....so here goes...

What did you eat last?
hmmmm I had a late night snack, don't sleep well and diet all day and then get up in the middle of the night and eat, I had a bunny sugar cookie that I bought for Kaylas playdate on Tuesday, should have sent over the left overs!

What about YOUR love life? Anyone special? Tell us about him/her!
My husband, well it has been a hard few years for us to spend quality time together, he is an artist (a general contractor that custom builds and designs all of his work). He is sweet and quiet, we have been married 17 years. The biggest part of him that I love is his way with my daughter, I just love to see her eyes meet his...she truly loves him...

What is it like where you live?
When we were driving around local towns to see where we would want to buy a house over 10 years ago, my husband started mocking some country songs, and pretending he was playing a banjo...it is very laid back, mostly gambrel cape, cape and salt box style homes. Also, there really aren't any stores except like a general store, very country, lots of farms. I love our yard, my darling husband also has a knack for landscaping and the dahlias he brought us come from hundred of years ago from an estate he used to manage...he just has a beautiful way of taking care of our yard..before we bought this home, we lived in Miles Standish's son's home, Alexander Standish, built in 1666, and the home we live in today is designed just like his, so this style home has been around for years. I love the history of where I live know, but do miss the hospitality of Long Island folks.

What are YOUR favorite features about yourself?
I have bedroom eyes, hazel color and a tiny mouth with tiny lips, my daughter has the same, when someone meets here that has known me forever, they comment on those features and how she has inherited those from me...

What deep thoughts have YOU been pondering upon?
Losing weight and having a baby, consumes my thoughts everyday..Cant do one with out the other, and neither seems to be doing well...

List 2 random things you love about life:
The one thing I love is spending time with people that can appreciate the tiny things in life. I wrote a post about a recent weekend I had, shopping at the five and dime, the general store. I realized my little one doesn't take a lot to please either, bringing myself back to what I loved as a little girl, my relationship with my mom and how simple things just made me so happy.

I love watching my daughter create drawings. She usually does not like coloring books, she likes plain paper and tries to recreate something that she has seen, she also has a spiritual way of creating her drawings, she has made a picture of what she thinks God looks like with a lighting bolt going into the side of his body (she calls it the spirit of God)

How did YOU find out about CAC?
I worked with Melbas hubby and anytime I would create something he would mention how creative his wife was. Whenever I saw her in the store, I wanted to get together for a play date with her, we seemed to have a sweet spirit in common. She handed me her postcards, I followed for a while reading her blog then tried one of my own. I am working more on relationships that I have right now in my life, which is most important and I hope to join CaC, as long as I am not uncomfortably pregnant or in the middle of an adoption, I am taking it slow committing to that right now.

What do YOU love most about spring?
The fresh air. I love the winter too, we still go indoor iceskating every Tuesday, but the air brings a new energy to me. I have thought about starting to exercise again, I love to eat fruit and salads, but somehow it just doesn't go with winter, retail and the holidays. I love the lifted spirits of those around me, you can feel it when the air is fresh and light.

Now I must go dring my coffee (cinammin swirl); excercise (dont know how just yet); and listen to the birds outside and start breathing in the fresh air. And my darling is still sleeping!