Waking Up

Every morning anywhere from 4am through 630am depending on whether or not I have to run off to work, I get up and immediately go for the coffee so I can get a quick buzz before Kayla wakes up. She is four and the minute she wakes up she tries to figure out what day it is. She loves each and everyday, because she has a different experience each day. Today she woke up and asked if today was Mommy and Kayla day. I explained that it was our morning and that later she will go to Susan's, a friend of mine who watches her for about three hours on Thursdays. She has fun at Susan's, who is very kind, loving, has two girls of her own who they pick up from school and who treat Kayla like their little sister. This day is good, she is excited, at peace with her plan. 7 months prior to this new experience of having her cared for while I was at work was much different. It took years to find the right arrangement. There was always something I was uncomfortable with. I try to reach down and figure out why I went along with things the way I did. My husband and I are different, I thought I should stay at home with Kayla and he thought I should work. I go along with what people want me to do because it is easier than conflict and fighting. I thank God that after 4.5 years of giving birth that I am comfortable with my situation. I still had to give into my disbeliefs, but I made it through. Everyday was a struggle. I still struggle with what is of utmost importance. After starting to read Melba's blog, she sounded as though she had a great balance between her work (art and connecting) and caring and having fun with her kids. I had to choose between housework and more time with Kayla. I have let my house go a bit and now spend that additional time I would be obsessing about it, creating and doing special things with her. I still each and every day evaluate my decisions and go back and forth was it a good one, a bad one, what could I have done differently. Being a mom, you have to make the ultimate decision, which I guess I never really liked to do, knowing that I would have to suffer the consequences of not making the right decision and when I solicited advise it made the pain and the let down easier. The decisions I have been faced with regarding her health, provider care, and development I never thought I could acheive. I have finally and grow more confidently each and every day that I am smart enough and loving enough to be her mom. I have let go of the guilt that if I am not in the same room with her that I am not a bad mother, I am learning each day to balance what I need to do, what I love to do and what I want to do. Focus is my goal for today, focus on what I need to do to get ready for our weekend trip and not feel guilty about what I might not be able to accomplish. Clean out the car, pack, find the right clothes for everyone, clean the house so the dog sitter doesnt think I am a pig, exercise so I dont feel fat in front of my well fit mother and sister in laws. These are things that are important for me, so without accomplishing them and setting goals for myself, I feel let down and guilty that I couldnt acheive what I set out for myself. After my coffee, I will write out my routine for the day, fit in the extras that I will need to do to get ready for the weekend, and still get out of the house by 1pm for the sitter and get to work by 2. I dont know why it seems easier for others, is it me? I dont know, I think I make time for everything and everyone and that is why I am so busy! I consider everyone in the process, but they dont always consider me, that is why I think I am overwhelmed. I am going to make a choice today, to take care of myself and my family so that we can all enjoy the weekend without feeling anxious and overwhelmed.