Sweet Memories

The Nightmare

2010-07-16T03:05:00.000-07:00

The hardest part of my nightmare is over, after two years. Without saying much here, lets say that it caused me to go out on a mental health LOA for five months. I do not know anyone in my life that has been through what we have been through as a family. The hardest part for most involved is over, however, the events will leave scars on my family forever. I want to get back to feeling good, but it will take time to heal. There are no support groups for what my family has encountered, I may start one. I have reached out to a few in my community that have sufferred something similar, but not exactly. I sometimes do not know how to help my daughter through recovering from this pain and suffering. She has experienced things that no 8 year old should have to. She is strong, but this pain will follow her through life. I want to continue to make the right decisions for us as a family. The social aspect has been the hardest, having lies about you spread amongst the community, the stares that I get when showing up to events that my old friends wish I didnt show up to. I have gotten no support from the community I live in and people wish I would just move away. No one knows the story, the lies. The believe one side of the story and those that have spoken about it. I have not spoken, I have respect the privacy of all lives involved. My reputation has been ruined, and people look at me in a way that I am a trouble woman, living a lie. I am not. I know the truth and will hold that truth close to my heart, and not hurt others by letting my side of the story out. I have to live a life now with caution in creating friendships. I need to move on from here with some sort of plan, just dont know what that is. No one can give me advice, I have to make the choices from here, what is best for my family, especially my daughter who has been robbed of her childhood for many years. Our government and systems that we have in place have treated us unfairly and there is a lot of healing to do, not sure if I have the strength to fight these systems anymore, however, I want them to know that I am not going to give up and into them. Although we 'won', there is no victory here, just sad spirits that this was brought upon our family. I hope that someday I can move in a direction that will be begin to help heal our wounds. I will start by blogging and go from there.

Squeeking By

2010-02-06T12:58:00.000-08:00

Without letting my story out, I have been faced with some traumatic events, causing me to be somewhat financially strapped...managing for a while as a single mother paying all the bills, but really having a tough time now being faced with the possiblity of losing my job. My salary is good and if I do lose my job, I will have to get very creative to make ends meet...in this economy I wont be able to continue to make this kind of salary anywhere...so I will have to be very resourceful......every dollar counts right now...today I brought some canned sodas to a party at the bowling alley so when my daughter asked to buy something from the vending machine at the birthday party she was at, I would have something available to her, learned to have extra candy in my bag too...little things help a lot..I dont do trash bags....use recycled ones..and dont spend the money on paper towels either, use a few washclothes and just wash them with the laundry each day...I pack my lunch everyday and even take the can home with me now...cut and color my own hair and make my own birthday presents for my daughters friends when she is invited to a party....make my own cards too...dont know what else I can do....little cuts here and there and selling crafts on the side have kept me going for quite sometime....then I am hit with an excise tax bill..dont really have an extra 350 laying around..time to sell more stuff on ebay, and get the bags ready for thrift shops....any creative ideas out there?? could really use some tips! With First Holy Communions coming around, I am going to handmake some cards and invitations and chocolate cross favors and spread the word.....Kayla is making hers this year and last year I made the neighbors favors and invitations...really can use some great ideas....not simple ones like dont go out to eat (we dont)..the only time I go out to eat is to Moes and Kayla has something for 3.00 and I dont eat.....I tell her I am not hungry....I do it for her....the shoes I am wearing were from a thrift store and I have worn the same ones for a year and a half..so I dont splurge on myself at all....I have traded babysitting with cleaning houses when I am in dire straits too....I have reached out to the govt...no assistance for me! I make too much money! Ideas??

Reaching Out

2007-04-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

For the first time reaching out for help, I finally got some that inspired me to do something different, take a look at how I handle things and be the strong one that had to explain things to K. Long story short, numbers were given in error to me, people to contact in the wrong departments, voicemail issues, IVR issues, you see, I am an advocate for my child and just dont stop until I get answers and information that I am comfortable with. Today, my daughter, went in for a VCUG. If you read about it on the internet, there is a lot of tough stories. Trauma, stress, pain, discomfort. I even have a nurse friend whose daughter went through it and she had to hold her down the whole time. I heared it is invasive, painful, and horrible.

Today was PERFECT.

I was on a plan of when to tell her, what to say, what words to use, what items she would pick up to go to the procedure.

She cried for about 3 seconds. She said she wanted to go home. She did not even FEEL the catheter going in (when I asked her on the way home, how did it feel when the doctor put that thing in your pee pee, she said it felt WARM! AH!). My little spitfire was watching the xray TV and commenting how cool it was that she could see the tube and her pee pee on the TV!

All worries are gone...she is done with this and she does not have Kidney Relux. The UTI and 105 fevers were just a bad combination, probably some horrible flu mixed up with a UTI. Un freaking believable she is....I just cant describe how proud I am of my little angel.

She asked me if from now on she could go to Childrens Hospital in Boston when she gets sick. I asked her why and she said because nothing hurts there...

I know I got all worked up but who wouldn't...

Thank you to my new friends at CaC for your support, I just absolutely got through this with your support and these child life specialists that I reached out to! I am nominating one of them for an award that they give out each month. My letters to their whole staff will go out tonight....

halleluhia!

Thank you

2007-04-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

You all know who you are, there a a few that have really given me some words of encouragement through emails and prayers. Thank you, I am sitting here at peace with the situation with K and what she needs to go through. We have packed a bag of her favorite things, which she helped to pick out and is excited about the whole thing!@ Imagine that! She picked out her favorite blanket, not one of those little ones, it is queen sized fuzzy and purple, hey whatever works! Her favorite pillow, cd player and hannah montanna CD is in the bag, two stuffed animals that they will demonstrate the procedure on before they go along with anything. I am wearing a necklace that I got in my first swap, it says Have Faith, and wearing my pink and white Life is Good Shirt....so is K, I have one for her too...I also contacted a group at the hospital that is called Child Life Resources that have helped me get together a plan for all of this, when to tell her, how and what to tell her about the procedure. I reached out and feel like taking that necklace off after this is over and giving it to a special girl named Karen who just walked me through everything and got all the specialists to call me and speak with me about everything. God Bless Her!

Thank you again..Life IS GOOD

Happy Easter

2007-04-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

I did it, I managed to work another retail holiday weekend and still make time to take K to see the Easter Bunny at the mall before work today. I am so glad I did, because little miss thanked me on the way home, "Mommy thank you so much for taking me to see the Easter Bunny, and for getting my picture taken, I love my pictures". My daughter is always so grateful and appreciative. Every single person she saw at the mall, she would stop to tell them she was on her way to see the Easter Bunny and she would go on and on with so much to say. She is my little bunny. We made these cute little felt bunnies all dressed with different bows in their hair, necklaces, that she put all around the foam spring houses that we made. She llllllloves them. Whenever she says the word Love, she drags the L out..LLLLLLLLLove...I LLLLLLLove that she does this..I bought her a pair of cute shoes the other day, she said I llllllllllllllllove my shoes....well, I hope everyone has a Happy Easter if you celebrate it....

Movies

2007-04-05T08:28:00.000-07:00

Tammy, from , Mimmsical Creations! has hosted as part of CAC s Getting to Know You - Let's go to the movies
For week one - I thought we'd start off with one of my favorite things - The Movies. I love movies - all types! I am hard pressed to pick favorites, but here goes!

Name your all-time favorite movie! (Or if you're like me, narrow it down to your top five!)

My favorite movie of all time was the Little Mermaid, I was doing an internship at the time down at WDW and my little brother, I think he was in the 7th grade, was down visiting me. We went and it was amazing. We both loved Disney movies as children and as he was growing up, I used to buy them for him. We have a very special relationship and to have him there with me while I was home sick, was sweet.

What genre of movie do you like best?
I like dramas the most, romantic comedy too.

What movie made you cry the most?
9/11. It was mixed emotions, I was crying with happiness for those that were reunited with their loved ones, but at the same time remembering the pain we all felt that day.

Have you ever applauded during a movie in the theatre? Which one? If not, what would make you do that? I dont remember ever doing that, but would not be embarrassed to do it either, I am a pretty expressive person. The last movie though, the two little kids with me did applaud at hte Teenage mutant ninja turtle movie.

Do you own any soundtracks from movies? Which is your favorite and why did the music inspire you? I have the rent cd, went to see the play and the movie. I just like to crank it up and clean the house, it makes me want to dance....the songs are very meaningful...No day like today, I think is one of the songs that really inspired me...

Is there a particular actor or actress who inspires you? Why do you like him or her?
I like Meryl Streep, she makes me laugh and being a serious person all the time, I like her humor.

Is there a particular actor or actress who you just dislike and will not see their movies? Why?
I dont know why, I used to have a thing for tom cruise, but for some reason, now, he just doesnt thrill me.

Have you ever dreamed of being an actor? Which role would be your dream role?
I used to host the neighborhood plays and liked acting and doing shows, but never dreamed of being an actress....I am a little shy (most would not know that about me), but think I am unique from anyone, my dream would be like a healer going around making people feel better physically and mentally, helping children...

If there was ever a movie made of your life, who should star as you?
I dont really see a lot of movies and really have not been able to see myself as anyone else...people say I sound like the Nanny (because I live in reserved New England and my Long Island Accent and whine and nasily voice makes people cringe sometimes)

Getting to Know Me

2007-03-29T04:11:00.000-07:00

I am trying to participate more with Melbas CaC. Tuesday is Getting to Know you Day and I am going to attempt to answer as many of these cool questions before my little one gets up, I try not to be on the computer or phone in the hours that she is awake, I don't get a lot of time with her and those hours are cherished....so here goes...

What did you eat last?
hmmmm I had a late night snack, don't sleep well and diet all day and then get up in the middle of the night and eat, I had a bunny sugar cookie that I bought for Kaylas playdate on Tuesday, should have sent over the left overs!

What about YOUR love life? Anyone special? Tell us about him/her!
My husband, well it has been a hard few years for us to spend quality time together, he is an artist (a general contractor that custom builds and designs all of his work). He is sweet and quiet, we have been married 17 years. The biggest part of him that I love is his way with my daughter, I just love to see her eyes meet his...she truly loves him...

What is it like where you live?
When we were driving around local towns to see where we would want to buy a house over 10 years ago, my husband started mocking some country songs, and pretending he was playing a banjo...it is very laid back, mostly gambrel cape, cape and salt box style homes. Also, there really aren't any stores except like a general store, very country, lots of farms. I love our yard, my darling husband also has a knack for landscaping and the dahlias he brought us come from hundred of years ago from an estate he used to manage...he just has a beautiful way of taking care of our yard..before we bought this home, we lived in Miles Standish's son's home, Alexander Standish, built in 1666, and the home we live in today is designed just like his, so this style home has been around for years. I love the history of where I live know, but do miss the hospitality of Long Island folks.

What are YOUR favorite features about yourself?
I have bedroom eyes, hazel color and a tiny mouth with tiny lips, my daughter has the same, when someone meets here that has known me forever, they comment on those features and how she has inherited those from me...

What deep thoughts have YOU been pondering upon?
Losing weight and having a baby, consumes my thoughts everyday..Cant do one with out the other, and neither seems to be doing well...

List 2 random things you love about life:
The one thing I love is spending time with people that can appreciate the tiny things in life. I wrote a post about a recent weekend I had, shopping at the five and dime, the general store. I realized my little one doesn't take a lot to please either, bringing myself back to what I loved as a little girl, my relationship with my mom and how simple things just made me so happy.

I love watching my daughter create drawings. She usually does not like coloring books, she likes plain paper and tries to recreate something that she has seen, she also has a spiritual way of creating her drawings, she has made a picture of what she thinks God looks like with a lighting bolt going into the side of his body (she calls it the spirit of God)

How did YOU find out about CAC?
I worked with Melbas hubby and anytime I would create something he would mention how creative his wife was. Whenever I saw her in the store, I wanted to get together for a play date with her, we seemed to have a sweet spirit in common. She handed me her postcards, I followed for a while reading her blog then tried one of my own. I am working more on relationships that I have right now in my life, which is most important and I hope to join CaC, as long as I am not uncomfortably pregnant or in the middle of an adoption, I am taking it slow committing to that right now.

What do YOU love most about spring?
The fresh air. I love the winter too, we still go indoor iceskating every Tuesday, but the air brings a new energy to me. I have thought about starting to exercise again, I love to eat fruit and salads, but somehow it just doesn't go with winter, retail and the holidays. I love the lifted spirits of those around me, you can feel it when the air is fresh and light.

Now I must go dring my coffee (cinammin swirl); excercise (dont know how just yet); and listen to the birds outside and start breathing in the fresh air. And my darling is still sleeping!

Peace

2007-03-26T15:52:00.001-07:00

I have to post, I just got back from a weekend away with my lovely sister in law, Julia, and my nephew Cody. We went to a wonderful place in the mountains, in a town lined with the most amazing little shops. There was a restaurant as a part of the hotel called Flatbreads. This place was the most amazing dinner I have had ever. We were greeted by the most amazing staff, laid back and hippie style, and had flatbread made of from all organic and fresh ingredients. Check it out....here....http://www.americanflatbread.com/philosophy/the_oven.htm..this is where they cooked my pizza...and here is a copy of the most amazing menu...http://www.americanflatbread.com/restaurants/our_menu.htm..we had a special..a veggie one with pesto, goat cheese....with the a light balsamic vinegar brushed on the crust....we stayed here...http://www.easternslopeinn.com/ in a suite behind the hotel with a full kitchen and jacuzzi tub..just what the two of us needed...and our favorite stores....http://twistedgiraffe.com/...the owner, Nella, what a sweetheart...when we went into her beautiful boutique (check out some of her stuff, it is so adorable!) she greeted us with her doggie on the counter..his name was Romeo..well, come to find out, it is the thing to do in the stores on the street, we met many cats and dogs that owners bring to work with them...we went about one mile down the street to a little dog treet store and got Romeo some of his favorites (when we told the girls that worked there who we were getting a surprise for, they knew who we were talking about, one of the girls claimed to be the doggie god mother!) My little one was just in love with Romeo, we walked all the way back a mile past all the toys stores, ice cream stores, candy stores, she wanted NOTHING to do with them. When we got to the Twisted Giraffe, Nella and Romeo met us again and Nella let Kayla sit behind the counter, Kayla was amazed the doggie licked her face and Kayla fed him treets, Nella sent Kayla off with coconut and apple scented bubble bath with her and her cousin used in the jacuzzi tub with their bathing suits on when we got back. She spoke of Romeo all night, so we travelled back again to the doggie store, more treets and a charm to go around his collar, Romeo and Nella didnt make it to work today, but we left the bag with another shop owner next door that was sure to deliver it the next day she came back...Nella informed me her shop will be closing on Thursday, due to personnal matters, she wanted to fill me in because she knew how attached Kayla was already...Everywhere we went, everything we ate, everything we bought, there was a special flavor of sweetness to it all, a special flavor that not everyone likes, only a few people in my life that can appreciate the lovely things in life, and one is Julia, and her son Cody, I am so glad to have spent this time with them, to learn that there are people in my life that there are no other expectations than loving eachother, appreciating the basics in life....my sweet sister in law Julia, I wont get into her personnal life here, but this girl has been through so much and continues to keep her body well, practicing yoga, working on her soul, I look up to my little sister and am glad to have spent the time with her...I will post pictures later! Had to share my wonderful time with everyone!

Peace

2007-03-26T15:52:00.000-07:00

Have Faith

2007-03-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

Georgia from http://justdandily.blogspot.com/ sent me the most beautiful package through Monday's swap at http://www.bealivebelievebeyou.com/create/. I dont blog much and dont really have it down, so bear with me. What I do know is I have a lot of beautiful things and ways to express, so I dont let my technical inexpertise turn me away. Anyway, of couse I checked out Georgia's blog and noticed her fascinating necklaces that she makes. When she emailed me, I told her whatever she wanted to send I would love, and of course in my little heart, I would die for one of her necklaces, but never like to pressure anyone, I know how finding time to create sometimes gets! I received one of her beautiful necklaces with the phrase "Have Faith". I consider myself one of the most spiritual people I know, and my daughter has such a sweet soul, she seems like she has lived before, her thoughts are so inspiring and I have been thinking of going to a Unitarian Church that the owner of her preschool goes too. She says that Kaylas thoughts about Love, life after death, heaven and God are a lot deeper than any kid she has ever run into and that she thinks her church would be a good place for her. I have been trying to decide how I will find the time on Sundays, which I do work every other and travel a lot of the weekends off, to get together with her to go to her church. I have done a lot for the church, prepared the gift bags for the annual holiday party that they have for the battered children and women's shelter (and spent hours on each gift bag!, all 25 of them!), I have been silently doing this for years, because I love her teacher, she is a mentor to me, and I truly believe that the school had an opening for her days before it began two years ago (now you can NEVER get a spot at this school, it very sought after), well, some spirit brought us there. So with this necklace, I just wore it like it was a cross today, I love black cords on necklaces, have always wanted to get one, and always wanted to wear something inspirational around me, showing people what I am all about. I felt like good spirits were with me today. I have recently began researching "approval addiction' and think I fit the mold well, and have been working on making decisions for the right reasons and not trying to please everyone around me. It is wierd, I am at a different stage in my spiritual development, and then I am paired up with georgia, who sends me a necklace that reads "Have Faith"...she also sent along some magnets made of bottle caps, that read Play, Inspire, Create and Live...hmm..did she know that I have quotes all around my house made of silver letters that I place black and white photos behind to keep me reminded of the simple sweet things in life?! I am having problems posting photos and will as soon as I can! I had this beautiful art next to my bed last night laid out on my nightstand, ...I have never seen anything like these..Georgia, thank you.....and thanks to Maryann http://firstborn.wordpress.com/ who hosted this swap, and to Melbahttp://www.bealivebelievebeyou.com/ who created CaC! You girls are all an inspiration to me!

Live

2007-02-12T04:07:00.000-08:00

I know this pic is from the summer but it always reminds me of the simple things is life and what makes me smile. I have a lot of these quotes around the house and have pictures behind them. I move them around the house and just enjoy looking at them. My husband is a free spirit and all of his time spent with my little one is times like what the picture tells. He picks up and goes and never gets stressed or overwhelmed around her, every day is treasure with dad. She has such a deep look in her eyes when she is with him, savoring every moment. I have decided that Mondays for me will be a time to reflect on good memories, 'sweet memories', since it is the day of the week that is most stressful at work. I need to start it right somehow. We will jam out to Kidz Bop 11 on the way to school this morning and I will get my Kiss, Hug, Good bye I love you, and shake (a little dance she does), then she says "Dont forget to call me" and then waves from the window smiling blowing kisses. Not too many parents get a good bye like I do, she is so full of passion, I just love that she displays it in such a loving way. Her teacher compliments her in this way too, the way she treats others, animals, unborn babies (in her teachers belly). She put her hands, palms up to her teachers belly the other day and for about a half hour, talked about the growing spirit in her belly and what we needed to do to protect it....

She also announced to the whole waiting room at the doctors office the other day that she was there for the chicken pox (she had a rash), then proceeded to ask me why I didnt have a boyfriend (Well sweetie, I have a husband I dont need a boyfriend). She had the whole silent waiting room (when we entered) roaring in laughter and then got upset because she thought everyone was laughing at her.

Charlottes Web, oh, you have to see it, I am filled with joy from that movie. We have to find a way to have a baby pig and a horse now. Well, I do live in Farm country, I told her I will sign her up for horse back lessons and she can see the baby pigs at her school in the spring time (she goes to school on a farm).

Hmmmmm

2007-02-12T02:24:00.000-08:00

Hmmm..not sure lately if I have time for Blogging, used to make more time for it, but having a hard time keeping up with life....I have made decisions over the past few months that have strengthened my family unit, such as looking at the positives at my job and making the best out of them, enjoying my home and not running away every weekend, vacation I can on a plane to try to forget the little things at home that need attention. My life has become less complicated when I stay focused on basic needs. I have many people in my life that I have also been sorting through, spending less time with those that stunt my creative and spiritual growth and suck the life out of me; I have been not the first person to offer up my home and entertain all of the time, letting others take the lead on that, and enjoying every conversation with my spiritual little girl, making more time for creative playing with her. You see, this time in my life, along with motherhood, is the best thing for me. I have always been a very giving person and not always the type that could put my feet up, relax and have a cup of tea. I am better when I am on my feet, taking charge and getting everyone around me going. It is what I am good at, and in the past years, I have tried to take a look at who I am and try to make some changes so that I can relax and take it easy a little more. I guess it is just not me, and what I enjoy is making things easy for others and helping others to enjoy things more. I have always thought about starting a business of my own, about a dozen or so types, changing constantly. My hubby has one, so it is hard for both of us to do this, then you lose the benefits of working for a company. I have decided maybe of a side business, something a little smaller that can work into something big if my life allows it to. I will do it quietly and throughout my day, I will stop to make the time for ideas and developing my dream business if time allows. For now, I will just stay focused, stay positive and remember that my life will always be a reflection on my daughter who has completely changed my life and helps me every day to see things more sweetly. I may post once a month, maybe more, have not decided to completely ditch the blogging community because I have met a few very sweet souls that I would like to remain in touch with....but for now, I have to hang onto what is in front of me and make the best of it.

First Meeting

2007-01-07T00:21:00.000-08:00

On Thanksgiving, I had a very moving and emotional chat with my MIL...about her marriage, her relationship with her ex husband and my concerns for Kayla asking about her daddys daddy. My little one is very spiritual, has a very sensitive spot for those that are sick, speaks of heaven and god quite often, even though we don't go to church, she is a believer in the 'spirit of god' and just wants to build her relationships with people. My MIL and I spoke about Kayla going to see Grandpa Bill at the hospital (Veterans) but I never persued it, did run it by my husband. Lots of reasons why there is distance in the family, scary stories that I wont get into here. My MIL continues her relationship to ensure that he is taken care of, does her weekly check ins and I never understood why, after years and years of pain. The night before last, my hubby was speaking with my little one about maybe someday going to see Grandpa Bill. I told him we would have to talk about it and how we would handle the visit. Last night after work, we had dinner, and Kayla said, "I went to see Grandpa Bill today". I looked at my husband and he smiled. I don't ever see that smile lately. He did this for his daughter, so that she would know who her grandpa was, and the way in which he explained the situation was a tear jerker. He and his mom handled this so gracefully, better than I would ever or would have the ability even with thinking about for days. I am glad I was not part of the decision to go, and that it was done as part of his healing process. I am proud of him and his mom that they made this trip today. My hubby went over there in the morning just to chat, the situation came up and my MIL said, today is as good as any day....I feel a softness about my hubby that I have never seen about this....I am grateful that my daughter got to meet her grandpa yesterday....I may put together some packages of art that she has created and start sending some things along to him.

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-22T05:00:00.000-08:00

I was reminded of Thanksgiving traditions as I watched my daughter's preschool perform their Thanksgiving Play. Kayla chose to be a Pilgrim, and after they came over on the Mayflower, they met with the Indians, "We come in Peace", and the Indians taught the Pilgrims how to Shoot a bow and arrow, chop down trees, hunt animals...etc....(we wont tell Little Zack that Kayla received her bow and arrow set from her daddy a few weeks ago)...it was so much fun watching her perform this play and sing songs about being Thankful....I am thankful sometimes that I am in Retail and have never missed an event at her school, my schedule allowing me to be flexible to attend every one and also volunteering the help her school with every event...not all parents were able to be there, only three. I am grateful today for my family, for their health...and that I have had the opportunity to live right next to Plymouth, Mass and be so close to the Pilgrims at this time of the year. We had the opportunity to live in the Captain of the Mayflower's sons house at one time, for an entire year. Alexander Standish's home. I love New England and this time of the year. We are so lucky to experience this time of year here. I will be setting that 2 day sale tonight, but I will remember that I am thankful for what will be waiting for me at home when I get there. We are ready to entertain, have everything pre-cooked and look forward to seeing my Mother in law and Kaylas cousins tomorrow....

Delayed Post...

2006-11-15T03:03:00.000-08:00

I have been very busy lately with trying to take care of creating a less stressful environment in my home. This will take a while, as your personalities are very aggressive in all that we do and our schedules are hectic with our jobs. I have not spoken on the phone or been on the computer much over the past month. Wanted to post some Halloween pictures of some decorating and treats we made. We are onto the other hurdle of the holidays, but I refuse to sacrifice the well being and peacefulness that I have tried to reestablish in my household. I am taking responsibility to keep it simple, and unfortunately that means not as much crafts and creative projects for the holidays. I am doing everything I can to breathe, relax, and take care of what is important, and it has worked for me so far. We are entertaining for the Holidays (both) but it will be a small crowd. As you all know, the Friday after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day and Target will be very busy, so I have to rest up for that. I feel like I am in a good place right now. Simplify....that has GOT to be my theme for the next few months. I may have to give meaningless gifts like gift cards, but I will package them pretty. My K, my angel is my focus..her well being is my priority and if that means I have time for nothing else, everyone else will have to understand.

Lucky Mom

2006-10-23T18:40:00.000-07:00

She is asleep...no progress today or for the past three days with what we set out to do. This has given me the time to turn the TV off, and just focus on looking into her eyes, to get to where she is, what she is thinking. She is intense. Today, I probed, asked her "What makes you happy?" (you do mommy). What makes you sad? (not you Mommy), Good night my beautiful angel, I love you (good night my beautiful mommy, I love you). I am so blessed. I cannot ask for more, she is so capable of loving me. That is all for today, tomorrow is another doctor's appointment. She is ok, more than ok, and whatever is causing her to do what she is doing, we will get to the bottom of it. Whatever is going on we are going to work on. She tells me I am her favorite thing in life, (oops and Daddy too, she always says), she loves us so much and just wants to tell us all the time....we are so lucky to have such a loving and sweet child. I just want her to poop on the damn toilet! I would do anything!

Signing off For a While

2006-10-23T05:05:00.000-07:00

Well, although blogging has been new to me and I have not been able to even figure out how to put bloggers that have supported me and offered me advice at my most sensitive moments , you are all in my hearts and soul, I read you every day. I don't always leave comments. Right now my life feels like it is falling apart more than I can really even handle. I need to remove computer time, phone time and focus on what is important to my family. My daughter is having some problems, physical and emotional, that I need to address. I have taken four days off to help deal with them to try to get to the bottom of some things, but have not made a lot of progress. Because all of you are my friends, and I know you care and are concerned, I will tell you, she is first of all 'Stool Holding', which has created some physical pain and some health issues. She also refuses to go in the toilet, I have up until about a week ago, offered her a pull up and let her do her thing. I have now removed that option so my home has been to say the least a challenge to keep clean. Also, a dear person in my life, her teacher, who is a mentor to me, has reminded me that things we discussed last year have not changed for the better. She has some inattention issues. I, myself, have diagnosed her with ADD, the inattention part of it, not the hyperactivity, so I am documenting some of my examples and will discuss at Tuesdays follow-up visit with her pediatrician. But here is my biggest issue of all, I blame myself and here I am typing this, feeling low and depressed, because I feel ultimately responsible. My sensitivities, my emotionalism, my inability to be here for her because of work. I have already looked into a leave of absence and this may be necessary down the road to deal with these problems, as I am a very important part of helping her with this. So my friends, know that your writings help me, make me smile, make me think of how I can change for the better, but my emotional energies and spirit will be with Kayla helping her 24/7 with anything I can do to make her feel better about what she is going through. I love all of you, and you have all helped me in more ways than you can imagine. I am not going to attach links here, with your sites, not enough time, but I will try to list all of you! (Melba, Caroline, Maryann, Suzie, Kerry, Jaimee) Please just think of me, if you have any words of wisdom for me, please help. I look to all of you for peace/ I know that we can get through this, I just feel so badly for my little one, like I cant figure out what to do as her mother to help her. I pray, my mom sends reike, we create all day long, we love and talk to eachother all day. I am going to start by writing a to do list that 'She creates" today and tell her that the only thing I want her to do is talk about what is bothering her. I know some of you don't have children, however, your experiences with people, sensitive people, may help you to understand, and also I know you all have such a deep love for life, and you know I do also, so you can imagine how this is affecting me. I am off to write my to do list for today, I may even have her write it herself. She is not in Kindergarten yet, but knows how to spell all the letters. I am proud of her in so many regards, she is really a creative sensitive soul and reminds me everyday that Daddy and I should kiss more! Thanks for listening!

Rested and Relaxed

2006-10-19T04:17:00.000-07:00

I am back from vacation, and it was more relaxing than I imagined it to be. Back to reality, work and taking care of the house and family (did I forget to say taking care of myself, yes, that is my normal way, forgetting about ME). I finished an easy read while I was away, the little bit of quiet time I got to myself at night when everyone was to bed http://www.debbiemacomber.com/agoodyarnexcerpt.htm and it got me really thinking of the simple things I love in life. I have always wanted to start my own business and I am always onto another idea, I need to stick with one idea, and start documenting my plan and ideas. My head becomes so full, I begin to race and get confused. I need to set aside a little time each day to start developing my plans. I love parties, throwing them, making favors, etc. and after reading my book The Good Yarn, it made me think of my Children's Party Business. I have always wanted to open a shop, a little upscale gift shop, where I can have an area for crafters, and then a little room for kids parties. I would also host parties outside of the shop. I could start without the shop and host parties at homes. I need to come up with some initial themes for particular age groups and work from there. I am going to start keeping a journal with my ideas. I think that will be a start. My scanner is broken, need my hubby to take a look at it, so my entries will be boring for a while. How do you keep your dreams, your plans, in order? My mind keeps racing. I want to develop a timeline, some goals and commitments. I don't have a lot of time, but I need to make it for what I love to do. Where do I start? I think if I made the time, got everything down on paper, I would realize how much more I have planned that I think....

GoodBye for a week

2006-10-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

We are heading for Disney World until Sunday, celbrating my 39th birthday down there. Today Mark bought me a nice new digital with a cute printer, etc...need some technology lessons on how to! We will catch a flight tonight, I get so worked up when I leave. My True Balance Book is coming along with me, I plan on doing some soul searching while I am away. There are a lot of things I need to start doing to try to relax and stop worrying about so much. I want to start creating lots of goodies for the holidays, so maybe while I am away, I will write and read and plan....I am realizing from my writing that I just worry too much about too much, and even things I have no control over. I want to start sharing more positive things on my blog. My hubby just informed me all of our computers are linked together and that he reads my blog all of the time, just never mentioned it. I asked him if his feelings were hurt by anything I said, and he explained not at all. Potato Print gave me some advice in my last post, she left a comment telling me a bit about how she explains things to her hubby. I have been more gentle with Mark, Thank you for your advice! It is working and going to make my travels more fun! Iill tell you, to me blogging is therapy! People listen, they learn about you, and they guide you, and that is what I need and have longed for....My next vacation wont be to WDW, we go a lot, and after getting a little more in touch with my creative side, well, I would rather be browsing around some antique store! I cant wait to write, and post what I have written while on vacation....I am also sticking to my diet! yeah! Oh, I have some bad news, none of my clothes fit! I had to change my outfit several times, and all those cute capris and shorts that were snug last time we went, well, they are loose! yeah baby!

Good and Bad Days

2006-10-05T04:44:00.000-07:00

I have so many really good days that can instantly turned into a bad day becasue of my sensitivity and concerns. Yesterday I did my Wednesday thing, work from 7-5 (well, I went in at 6 to 'catch up' on writing some reviews for employees); got dressed at work, went to karate to watch K for a half hour, left there to go to a weight watchers meeting, found out I lost another 3.8, so I am up to 9 lbs in three weeks, now why cant I be happy with that? I felt like I had lost 10 and told everyone I did, so I felt like I disappointed myself. My husband has said nothing to me about it, until I came home, his way of 'caring' and he says he never knows what to say, because it seems whatever he does I might take offense to...so he said, "so how much"..I didnt answer and it began sort of starting a little attitude going back and forth....and it sucked because I know my lack of response started a little spat...just a non supportive, judgemental little thing right before bed....so, now I wake up feeling unfullfilled and awful....I feel unmotivated....b eat up... I love him dearly and I dont mean to bitch about him, and I hope that is not the way I am coming across but I feel as though I have supported him in every way that I can over the past years and feel as though he has just gotten comfortable with the way I have been, and now I need a little more. I am going through some serious life decisions right now with getting pregnant and figuring out what I will do with my career if I do, and if I cant we are going to go the adoption route. I just feel like I want him to be the stronger one. I dont want to be, I want to look to him to be..and it just seems like he wants me to be this tough woman that I am just not right now...I am weak, I am faking that I am strong enough to handle everything that is happening right now. I feel ok about my weight loss, and in the past I would let stress get off track, and I am not right now, I am moving forward with the day of healthy and controlled eating..I am already down a size and I feel great, only 8 more pounds to lose and I will be where I was before I got pregnant. I want to share my loss with my mom, but want to 'surprise' her when I see her, and maybe it is my way of not wanting to disappoint her if I fall off. I dont think I will fall off. We are leaving for vacation on Monday night late, and returning on Sunday early day for soccer. You see my vacation plans are 'selfless' too, I booked late Monday night even though we have our timeshare starting Sunday so my hubby could wrap up any necessary paperwork or jobs on Monday which is a holiday, so he will have all day to do that, then coming back early on Sunday am so my daughter could still go to her soccer and not miss one. Now I have to balance cleaning the house, doing bills, getting everything done for a big corporate visit on Monday, packing, and then figuring out what I will eat while I am away. They have a new Core Plan on Weight Watchers that you can eat chicken, steaks, seafood, kind of like Atkins, and I talked about it at last nights meeting, this is what I will have to do so I dont have to count those points and write down everything I eat. You can eat 'whatever' from the menus. I have made reservations at places that have fish and meat, restaurants that I usually dont eat at, but it will be a nice change..something different....I will be celebrating my 39th birthday there on October 12th and eating at Boma http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/wdw/dining/diningDetail?id=BomaFlavorsofAfricaDiningPage for dinner. My husband has already expressed concern that oh no, it is your birthday down there, what are we going to do for your 'party', I have only really given him a break once, which was last year, and let him do something big for me...usually I just like it to be celebrated quietly with the three of us...you see everyone thinks I am just so outgoing and like things big, I truthfully am a mellow, quiet, person who likes quiet moments with my family.....so I am glad that I am going down to Florida to 'escape' the realities of home and work. I tend to 'babble' in my posts and I am sorry, it is just a way that I get what is bothering me 'out' without having to worry anyone around me...the truth is I am worried about how we are going to get along, I want to just relax but I dont want to agree with everything and just go along for the ride....I want to express myself and be listened to.....

Vitality

2006-09-29T15:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the only time I can write is if I handwrite in my journals, I might be at a park or in bed, no energy, but trying to squeeze something in that makes me feel better about the day. I am not blogging much lately because I am going on my vacation in a week, and usually it takes all my free time to plan and pack. Today I had the day off and picked my daugther up from preschool when the other moms did, and she ran over to me, nearly tackled me and proudly introduced me to everyone there, "this is MY MOM, she is MY BEST FRIEND and I am going to SPEND WITH HER TODAY...can we go to your work mommy and can I work there too and get a desk so I can spend with you at work...." How cute yet sad in a way. Well, we went shopping for a Halloween costume, she wanted Sleeping Beauty, I knew I would pay twice as much as Target where I work, if I went to the costume store in town, but did not want to go into the store I worked in on my day off (my first rule about days off!). We found it, and then we went to get lobsters and scallops for dinner, what a wonderful day!

My Sweetest Pleasure

2006-09-25T03:07:00.000-07:00

One of my greatest pleasures are my daugther's birthday parties. You see, when I was pregnant, I had a lot of worries and the worst was always in the back of my mind, actually in the front of my mind. Each birthday is just a complete celebration of her life, each day is a celebration that I have her in my life, and I thank god for her. I love bringing family and friends together each year for this, I try to be a little creative with the theme. I have more pics I will post, but wanted to throw a quick one together before I leave for work. We had a garden theme, but added bugs to it because there were a few boys there and I didn't want to have them get completely bored with flowers. I got into the stamping thing, so I made her an adorable banner for her birthday and tied lots of pretty fabric ribbons to it, and I stamped bugs, bees, catepillars and taped them on the tables and hung them inside. I got the most adorable tablecloths from Target (the place I spend 50 hours a week working) that were on clearance, I actually picked up more even marked down to 75% the other day, and I will have even more tables covered with these sherbety colors. We had a jumpy house, water slide, the swing set and our trampoline, I think the kids all had fun. It lasted a long time, the last guests leaving at 830 (started at 1 I think? or was it 2??) It was a blast, we made flower cookies with pink and green icing, flower and butterfly shaped sandwiches for the kiddies. I had lots of sandwiches and salads for the adults. I still have yet to create the thank you cards, but will this week. She had so much fun, but really all she couldnt wait for was the cake. All the kids wanted one of the ladybugs on the cake, so next year, whatever theme I have, I will make sure that I have extra frosting with lady bugs, flowers, so all kids can have a special frosting on their piece! We had a bumblebee and strawberry pinata..and a table where you could paint your flower pot or rock....I just love my girl..so much that I think of her every breath I take...I want her to know that she means the world to me...Happy 5th Kayla! You just amaze me...your depth, your knowledge....the things you come up with ....simply amaze me....when I close my eyes, I envision you as a Wise Child, the meaning of your name...you are my every breath...I once said to you Kayla, you are getting too big, you are not a baby anymore, and I looked sad, you replied "Dont be sad, I will still be your sweetie girl and daddys squeeky girl when I am 19 years old". I will miss you when I am at work today, but I know you will be at preschool learning and playing with your friends...and tomorrow is Mommy and Kayla day..tuesday, its the first thing you do when you wake up ...Is it Tuesday? Yes it is! Tomorrow we have a school trip, they always make them on Tuesdays because they know it is my only day off, during the week, we will go apple and pumpkin picking....I cant wait to 'Spend with you" as you always say.....

Three Pekes

2006-09-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

I wrote a long post about my dogs and lost it this morning, I am sure this one wont be as passionate as the first one was! It is almost midnight, just got back from work and cant fall asleep yet, so wanted to write about my adorable doggies. When we first bought our home about maybe 8 years ago, my husband came home on Christmas eve with Chloe. She belonged to a very financially wealthy man that my husband did work for. He was bringing her to a shelter because she did not get along with the others. My hubby did not have the heart to lose Chloe. We had lived on this guys property at one time, and really had gotten to love all of his doggies. We took Chloe in, and she was pregnant, no wonder she wasn't getting along with the rest, I was a little bitchy too when I was pregnant! I watched Chloe give birth to five puppies, and my husband was the best ever, knew exactly what to do. She was awesome...the whole experience was absolutely breath taking. She just took such good care of herself and her little ones. She is the one in the middle in the picture. We kept two of the puppies, Lally - the runt, and CJ (chloe Jr. she looks just like her!). We gave away the other three; one went to the rich guy (Ozzie), one to my college roommate (Scruffy) and another to a friend Mark had worked with (Sugar). I had paid to have them all fixed, and off they went to their new owners. They all have such different experiences and live in such different places. Ozzie was peeing all over the rich guys rugs (paybacks) so he called one Sunday morning and told me that he was bringing Ozzie to a shelter and wanted to tell me first because he knew I would be hurt if he didn't, well, yeah, just give your baby away again! So my roommate from college got a wake up call and the next day she drove 7 hours to pick Ozzie up! I didn't want to give him up because I had slept with him that night, bu tnew Melissa had one of the litter already and it would be nice for Scruffy to have a buddy. These doggies are just loves! Let me tell you, they changed my life! Lally recently came down with Lymes disease and all three are being vaccinated for this, over the past three months, I have had all three to the vet three times. Chloe is getting old, and a little fat. I couldn't ask for more with doggies, the love they have given me is wonderful. My daughter loves them and everyone that comes by just adores them. I guess the love in my home just rubs off on everyone...maybe that is why everyone ends up here all the time...I just love to be surrounded with animals and people all of the time....I am sorry the old rich guy couldn't handle a dog, really unbelievable...things were so indisposable to him, I remember when he went away for the weekend, he asked my hubby to watch the dogs and for some reason the dogs shit all over his 11 million dollar house, and he came to our house with a deli bag from some famous deli in New York and mark came inside all excited that his idol, Don brought him home something for watching his dogs and it was a BAG OF DOG SHIT, yes my friends, a bag of dog shit, so sweet....bastard....we moved out that next month and bought our house...but What a total lack of respect....I felt so badly for Mark...I remember how badly he felt..I really wanted to go find him and smoosh it in his face...well, he moved too and now Mark has his shop on the guy who bought the property...where we used to live, so it kind of worked out for the best...You see, Mr. Multi Million just threw his dogs away and threw some shit our way, what a nice reward for working our asses off there, but in the long run, Mark has his dream shop and has done some dream work for the new owners..he deserves it.....well, I am getting sleepy..good night

The Lies I Tell Myself

2006-09-19T18:31:00.000-07:00

I am catching up with http://www.mixedmediamemoirs.com/ which I made a commitment to when I started blogging, it got me to journal more and think weekly of a topic and what it meant to me. This week's topic is 'The lies I tell Myself". I think I brush things off a lot and don't think of how some things affect me, for the safely of myself and others. I take the burden of a lot of hurt feelings of everyone, to spare them pain. In other words, I beat myself up over everything. Sometimes I am just oblivious to things because they bother me so much I cannot confront them. Writing helps, and my new healthy outlook has been helping. I broke down and went to weight watchers, I could stand to lose about 20. I didn't feel so bad when I saw 99% of the people there were a lot larger than I was. I felt that this is not so much of an issue, it can be fixed with the loss of a few pounds, that is all. I have achieved greater things in life, why make it so hard. So, I have been doing it for a week, getting through my 10 hour work days easier with more energy, accomplishing more around the house, feeling better in my clothes. I don't have a scale, so I don't know how much I have lost, I hope I did some because it will feel better when they go around the room with success stories. So, I have already come a long way with the Reading True Balance group, I am grateful to have found this book and the group reading it. (I have to post the photo tomorrow, cant upload it for some reason)....

Starting to Blog

2006-09-19T17:24:00.000-07:00

Melba wrotehttp://www.bealivebelievebeyou.com/ in her post how we met and how I started blogging. I have always been an open and honest person, and never really held back my feelings, although most don't understand me and my sensitivity so I thought blogging would be a place where I could express myself creatively and sensitively and meet some people that would better understand me and offer me advice. My most recent post was a little too personal, more so than I thought I should be getting here, and I am just not comfortable now that I have revealed a certain piece in my life that I struggle with. We all have our troubles and our challenges and I am grateful for a lot in my life. There is a lot of work with relationships that I have to work with, but this was a start, I appreciate everyone's words and support. This is the first piece I wrote about in my journal before I started blogging and when I started reading Melbas blog. I am grateful for her and her introduction into the blogging world, at first I was pertrified about people I didn't know reading my words, and getting to know me, but now I feel like it has truly supported me, especially with my post yesterday. It is only the beginning to get to know all of you and for you to get to know me. I am excited to be reading True Balance and have a lot to say about the second chakra.

I become off balance when...

2006-09-18T17:04:00.000-07:00

For Melbas http://www.bealivebelievebeyou.com/believe/ Mixed Media Memoirs tMixed Media Memoirs; a weekly challenge where writing and art merge topic last week, 'I become off balance when', I decided I had a rough time getting through the Book True Balances first chapter. I have a hard time accepting myself and lack confidence in what I do. I always think I am not good enough, have not done enough, didn't do a good enough job, need to do more. There are certain people in my life that understand me. I was speaking with a friend of mine last night, my dearest friend, the one that understands me the most in life, and I told her something that had happened yesterday, something that I did to stick up for myself. She told me how proud of me she was, how great it was that I did it, and it was what I should have done. Then I told her what my friend who I did this to would probably say to me, something she has said to me in the past. "You're in a mood"...this is something this particular friend has said to me a few times. Deb stopped me and said, Pauline, I can't believe someone would say something like that..Pauline, for all these years we have known eachother, have you ever heard me say something like that to you, I wouldn't even think of it". She was stunned that I would take that from someone. She was surprised that I spend my time with people that say things like that. I decided that I am not going to just let everything slide all of the time, and I am not going to always just be silent when something bothers me. Like when my daughter came up to me after her first soccer game. I worked from 4am-130pm so that I could go to her game. I drove from work and rushed there, making it about 20 minutes late. I had an emergency at work and had to take care of something as the 'leader on duty'. I was sweating trying to get out of there. I get to the field, and just about everyone there I knew, from one place or another, everyone came over to me, to say hello and chat..it felt so good that I was 'liked'. So, my husband was giving me a little attitude because I was late. When it was all over, my husband went over to my daughter and she came running over to me in front of everyone and kicked me in the shins, and said, 'Mommy I am mad at you, because you were late'. In front of everyone, I apologized for being late and hugged her and told her I had an emergency at work. I looked at my husband because I was certain he told her to do that, because he honestly thought I ran late, didnt give a crap and didnt try to get there on time. I was so exhausted, I had someone turn on all the airfresheners on high at the store I worked at and the fragrance was causing everyone to cough and nearly choke. I spent the day on the phone trying to get the issues fixed and all along, thought that I have GOT to get out of here to get to her game. My husband seemed to think that I didnt care about my family. I know I should not be bitching on line, but I just sat when I got home completely exhausted and thought, I tried so hard for everyone, and I just got the shit kicked out of me, how awful, I just wanted to crawl into bed and cry. I dont know why I let people treat me badly sometimes. I just dont know. I guess I take the good with the bad, but just feel like I am disrespected a lot of times. I need to stick up for myself, and treat myself with more respect by not taking that crap from anyone anymore. I dont want you all to think that I am just this total depressed mess, I am not, but I just think that people suck sometimes, even husbands. He is waiting for his backrub right now because he looked stressed this morning and I told him that when I got home from work I would give him a nice massage....why do I just bounce back and act like it doesnt bother me...my kid is asleep sick with a fever right now, but tomorrow there will be a little family chat about how we should respect eachother and joking or not kicking me in the shins was so far from acceptable, and daddy will be doing all the talking...I talked to him about this last night and he said he DID Not tell her to do that...But I did leave out the fact that I was supposed to show up on time with her water bottle, I ensured him that I would and she was the only kid with one...next time I just dont need to put this much pressure on myself...the expectations of even being there were too much for me with my job and schedule...but in their eyes, I was late for the water and when I got there she was dripping with sweat and ran to me for drink...I was bitching to all of you but didnt tell the whole story...but we are all having a chat tonight about respect and how hard we all work, all three of us...

September 11

2006-09-14T04:19:00.000-07:00

We all remember that day....we all know where we were, how we heard, what we saw...it is like yesterday. I had been home from the hospital after giving birth to a sweet little girl for only two days. I was holding her in the living room and it came on...the news...we watched the second tower live being hit....I handed the baby to my husband and started freaking out...my mom worked real close to Manhattan, just on the edge of Queens, my brothers' friends worked at the World Trade Center, my friends' friends/ I had not lived in New York for quite some years, having settled down in a small country town in Massachusetts. When Mark and I got our first place in New York, he bought a painting, one that sits over our mantle, of the New York City skyline, with the Twin Towers in the middle. My dream was to work in Manhattan, live there, maybe work for the United Nations. I have a degree in International Business and always dreamed of working in the city. My life changed somewhat and other decisions were made based on the one I decided to spend the rest of my life with.
Mark took Kayla, then handed her back to me, I asked him, wow, that guy is in a lot of trouble for doing that, what a jerk. He said, that wasnt a guy, that was a plot. He told me about the size of the plane that hit right away, he was in the Airforce and he said, you know, I might get sent away. He is in the Reserves. Luckily, he was not sent away. For the next few months, I kept CNN going all day long, it brough an extreme amount of stress to my days of having a new born home. One day I decided to turn it off. I think that was months later. I also remember hearing my brothers' voices on the other other end of the phone soon after the Towers were hit, they were crying....they couldn't stop...they thought the world was coming to an end. We couldnt get in touch with my mom for about 24 hours. She went into work and when she got there, she found out. The mentally ill people she worked with were running around out of control, that is how she found out. They were all connected to someone. I think we all were. A friend of mine, her husband worked there, and a few months before quit to get his Masters in teaching. His entire company was lost, and his best friend/neighbor who he worked with. The family has two children, her children's age, they go to school together now. They eventually found the man's body and send the family his wedding ring. These details you only hear when you know someone who knew someone. My friends son was sent to Iraq and lost his friend's life and lost some of his fingers as well. I was thinking of 9.11 all week and wanted to just get it out of my system. We read the articles all the time about how families are doing. I especially feel for the young children and the wifes that were pregnant. It is all so sad. I look at my painting and always wonder when I should get rid of it, it is painful to look at everyday. I wonder when my little girl will hear about her first days at home, probably in some history class.

First Chakra...Foundation

2006-09-13T02:17:00.000-07:00

Once again, you will have to double click on images to be able to read..one of these days I will figure this all out...still cant get the posting thing down..the first page is the last....so you can read them in that order...need to get off to work this morning...finished the first chapter of the book that I am reading to help me figure out how I can acheive better balance within myself and my surroundings. I want this to be a new day, I want to be relieved of the stresses at work, I want to love everything around me without dispespecting anyone and anything. When I get stressed, it comes out in many ways. I hosted a birthday party for my little girl this weekend, something that I think of all year round, because I just love her to death, and I love having parties for children...it was fun...there were a total of 50 people there, 22 kids...it took a lot of hard work going into it, but I just love to see everyone enjoying their time with their little ones...a lot of people say I over do things, but I just love being creative and love seeing people interact with eachother and having a good time. I am onto the next step in life here, I want to give my little one a sibling, but life over the past five years has been such an adjustment, I want to feel ready for the next step in life....and I dont...mostly because of my weight...I am going to join Weight Watchers tonight even though it interferes with me watching my little one doing Karate, daddy will have to just be there for her...I need to do this for myself..I am 25 pounds heavier than I was five years ago when I got pregnant with K. I am a bit stressed this morning going to work, I have a new position and have to address some issues and some new programs and sometimes I feel like my brain is fried and I have to struggle with the information. I used to be able to get up in front of hundreds of people in a suit, feel good and come out with great results, and now I am struggling just learning and communicating some new cash register software....hmmm...cant even figure that all out...something must be wrong with me... I need to focus..I need to let go of my old position at work and stop worrying why it isnt the same as it was when I was doing it...I need to stop taking responsibility for others....I need to motivate people to do well for themselves and stop trying to tackle this on my own...delegate..isnt that what management is all about? I need to invest time in others and stop letting all this get to me....I am having a meeting with my team today..I want it to be positive..enlightening...fun...but I am having a hard time pulling my things together this morning just to get out the door....iron clothes, karate outfits, pack lunches, literally leaving the house at 630 am and not coming home until 800 pm stresses me out....sorry but it does....I need to find a better routine I think...I am exhausted

True Balance

2006-09-04T04:28:00.000-07:00

In order to post this, I have to get it done now, in spite of time. If you double click on the writing, you can read it larger. The right hand side is page one. I know I will get better at this, but for now, this is what I will post. Life is a balancing act today, so I will just close my eyes and pray that I can prioritize what is important. Can't wait to start reading the book!

Disciplines

2006-08-30T17:31:00.000-07:00

I know these pics wont come out too well, but I went to Walmart to pick up some film today that had been gone for while, and they apologized that they were free because they were 'late'. I wasn't planning on picking them up until today, but hey, I didn't argue. I ran around today getting things ready for the big #5 party next weekend. I felt awful, womanly stuff, seems to come every 2 weeks now. Got my old post card results back in the mail, everything in my womanly body seems to check out ok, even though they come every two weeks and I get it so bad that I cant even stand up, everything checks out fine. What a ridiculous way that we get out confidential results back in the US mail, folded over taped postcard. Today I felt like a worthless woman. I had to call for two weeks to get someone that could read the results over the phone. Anyway, these pics cheered me up. K is practicing her karate at the beach. She goes twice a week for an hour each. She only has one yellow stripe, and goes after a very long day, so she is tired, but she still continues to keep her plan on going each week. She was the only one who showed up a few weeks back when it was 104 degrees. She had two senais helping her that night. I love the disciplines that she has. She is very routine with this and I owe it all to her daddy for being so consistent with her. Tonight we got into a little argument about letting her have caffeine and chocolate ice cream before bed. I had gone out to get a haircut and when I came home her pj bottoms were inside out, her shirt was on backwards and it had chocolate ice cream stains all over it. I told him how hard it is to get chocolate ice cream stains out of clothing and how Kayla has not been going to bed until 11pm and with the bitchiness that I have going on with my period, I cannot even believe that he is giving her caffinee and chocolate (more caffinee). I told him it was unacceptable. He is a great dad, but sometimes just does so much that the little important things are missed, like brushing teeth, brushing hair. He has so much fun with her, and does so because he skips over the important things. So needless to say, he is upstairs sufferring with her, getting her to try to calm down for bed. Good luck. I wish I had more disciplines in my life, I plan them and then veer off pretty easily. I need more routine in my life. I need more scheduling. I dont have a lot of free time, or time to do stuff around the house, and I do better managing all this that a lot of people I know, but I need to get better, I need more energy, more peaceful moments. I get anxious a lot when I lay in bed at night. I have sleep issues. I worry a lot about everything and everyone. But my hormones are all screwed up too...so I have to attribute some of it to my health. Well, one discipline that I keep is getting my haircut and colored every four weeks, thank god! I feel better and not so droopy now. I need to get back on my exercise program, not consistent for years. I need help with that. I need to join a program, and stop trying to think I can help myself.

Note from a Friend

2006-08-27T01:15:00.000-07:00

Never does a friend usually offer advice to me, for some reason, I guess I am always 'looking' but usually they just 'listen'. The past two weeks, I went through a series of tests to find out why some things were happening, and got all of the results back, nothing serious, so I am fine! My daughter had to go on some medication that makes her so she cant totally control when and where she goes to the bathroom (she would 'hold' it and it was making her terribly sick all of the time) and my littlest dog, Lally, has lymes disease, just found out at her routine appointment this week. So, it has been stressful, and I was feeling responsible for my daughter's issues, my dogs, and thought I had waited too long to go to the doctors myself. So I was telling her how I was feeling guilty and responsible for everything. I know everyone has their problems, sometimes I just don't feel like I have a good support system. I have a few wonderful friends (Like M) that I talk with, but no one that lives real close to me that I can just throw my arms around when I am feeling like this. It is hard sometimes, so hard I just want to run back to NY and have my mom take care of me and scratch my back to soothe the pain. My husband has had to be Mr. tough guy for survival purposes in the past and does not dwell on the negative stuff, thinks if there is nothing you can do about things, forget about it, deal with it. This is what M wrote to me after our call:
Hope that you are feeling better today. I know that the news about the dog and kayla needing medicine really upset you. You always seem to make yourself feel guilty about things. That makes tough times hard. I usually do the very same thing. I thought of something that gave me a chance to not feel so guilty all of the time. Please don't take this as an insult because these were words that Rich once said to me about myself...... Although he was never really filled with wisdom this one stuck with me. We were arguing one time about whatever. He turned to me and said "why don't you get that chip off of your shoulder and stop thinking that the world revolves around you--everything doesn't happen because of you" He was obviously being mean at the time but it made me think. I am just one person and it is a bit vain of me to believe that I am the cause of everything and that I am the one who stops bad things from happening This actually helped me when he died. I keep in mind that I am just one person and it would be very presumptious of me to believe that his death was my fault. I don't or can't control the destiny of people. I hope that you can understand my point in all of this. It is hard to explain. It is just something that helps me when I start feeling guilty about everything in the world. Hope this doesn't just sound like the rambling of a crazy woman. Anyways we all do what we can do to make things go well in this world. When things go wrong the test is more about how we cope with problems. In your case you always rise up to meet the challenge and that is the sign of a truly strong woman. Hope this helps you.
This helped a lot, and then of course I starting looking at the book's introduction that I am participating in reading with Melba's group. I will write more later because I do have to be to work at 5am so all of you moms out there can make sure you have all of your back to school items! My hope is that this book helps me deal with some of the guilt of motherhood and help me to be more at peace with my life and decisions. Here is Melbas link to her reading group:http://www.bealivebelievebeyou.com/believe/2006/08/reading_true_ba.html

Tuesday's Play

2006-08-23T04:51:00.000-07:00

Today I had some lovely little girls over that watch Kayla on Thursdays, her mom had to work, and we swapped a day, I told them we would be making cards, and they came loaded with stampin' up products and all sorts of goodies. I wish my digital was working, because they were so creative in their card making. It was breathtaking. They are 11 and 8 and you should have seen their creations. The 8 year old left one behind for me. My K was in the other room for a while with the paper cutter and we were not sure what she was doing, she came into our craft area and presented us all cards for her 'flower pary'. I am having her birthday party with the theme of flowers, garden and bugs...we have all ages and I always try to do something for everyone to enjoy. It is the one time a year that we have everyone together and we have fun with our creativity. I made a few cards, one for a good friend who just experienced a loss, and another thank you for a neighbor who had sent up some goodies the other day for us which I put in her mailbox as soon as I made it. I struggle with letting myself give into my creativity and follow the rules I think too much. I feel stifled sometimes, as I did yesterday, maybe it is because I think of everything i need to do all of the time....Today I am working the 'later' shift, I got a call from work that someone needed me to switch which works out good, it gives me another day with K to monitor her on a new medicine that she is taking. She is fine, but her her privacy, I wont tell all of you, just a little something that she is going through that is being fixed by some medication....that the doctor wanted her on last year, and I finally gave in because I tried everything else....kind of wierd after the visit, I ran into a girl I used to work with in the waiting room who said her son was on it, then the pharmacist told me her girl was on it, and a friend of mine who I had to touch base with that day said her son was on it too....it for medical reasons, and I know it is the right choice, just hard for mama....(I cant get any photos to post, will post later)

Sunday

2006-08-21T04:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a great day, went to http://www.snipits.com/ for a haircut, to kohls to use a coupon (have not used one in years! free 10.00!); to http://www.cubbysclub.com/ for lunch and met my hubby after he had a job estimate (I told him he had an 'option' out, because a friend of mine called and asked if we wanted to go to the movies, and I told him that we wouldnt be too lonely if he decided he was too busy, but when he pulled up, I had that little sweet feeling inside like a little girl waiting to see if the boy she liked was going to be hanging around!); then we went to see http://www.barnyardmovie.com/home.html. It was a sweet day, we all had fun. Cubby's clubhouse is an awesome place to go, the only one where your kids just run around, play, and you can sit and enjoy a salad! Mark was cute he took care of ordering everything and was like the host, it was so sweet, taking charge of the playdate. K enjoys being around other kids and rarely wants alone time, she gets so excited when she gets to know other kids....the other day she asked me where Efan was (Ethan, melbas son) and she wanted to see him and Maggie to sing the Sticky Sticky bubble gum song (http://www.bealivebelievebeyou.com/believe/....melbas blog).... I never did write about our get together, I love Hyannis and for those of you that will be attending http://www.bealivebelievebeyou.com/justbeconnected/, you will just absolutely love the town in which it is to be held. It was hot, and we had all the kids, but we were able to visit the scrapbooking store, there is also a bead store that looked wonderful from the window. I spend at least a few days down that area a year, and October will be the perfect time of year, the crowds will be gone and if anyone decides to stay a few days before/after there is so much to do there....Melba is very driven in her idea and she has taken on such a beautiful endeavor to gather us all together....Her ideas are breathtaking, and I was lucky to have a day with her and see her ideas. Thanks Melba! Well, today I had to call in sick, K is not feeling well, so we are venturing to the doctors. I need to be with her today and never knowing what my boss will say (they have changed so so many times), he was very agreeable and said, look, you dont have to say anymore, just take care of your child and call me and let me know how things go, if you need to take the whole day off, just do so, don't worry. So, with that said, I will care for her today and be at her side, we are going through something very tough, and I feel awful for her. We need to get to the bottom of it, as she suffered over the weekend a lot. I know that Target is busy with back to school shoppers, but I will have to make it up to my team and pitch in some other time. K is my focus today. She needs me more than anyone does today. I will maybe get some decorations ready for her party, the ones I scanned will be scattered on the table cloths (I got some cheap shower curtains for table cloths, they are heavier!)...well, off to get ready to go see the doctor!

Busy Week

2006-08-18T08:16:00.000-07:00

I have not been blogging..busy week...inventory at work and more doctors appointments, and K has a little issue with sick belly for a few days....prune juice and sprite concoction going on this morning..hope it works, as nothing else has...Went for an ultrasound that I will hear more about next week (how many fibroids, etc...) My friend that I was supposed to go away with tomorrow to Storyland is in the hospital, another one of my friends had a sudden death in the family...then my neighbor called to let me know her dilemma....her MIL took her kids for the day and as she was packing her cooler to go to the beach alone, her dog got into her cooler and ate her salad, now that is trauma....as we speak, it sounds like K has just taken care of her business....prune juice works much better than suppositories ladies...so all of these unexpected events have taken me away from blogging this week....oh, and I ran out of hairspray...so I have nothing to control my boufannte today.... when I went to the grocery store to buy prune juice, I picked up mousse instead? how can you confuse mousse with hairspray....guess it wasnt meant to be....so my hair will be big today...but the most important thing is that I have to send flowers to my friend that just lost her uncle, check in on my friend in the hospital...and hug K for all she has gone through these past few days with her belly being hurt....all other things can rest aside! Thanks for listening!

I Don't Often Reveal.....

2006-08-12T08:38:00.000-07:00

This week's topic for Mixed Media Memoirs is "I don't often reveal". I have been thinking of another baby for the past four years, and what the doctor said yesterday, is time is running out...I have a great fear of getting and being pregnant. I had a difficult pregnancy the first time around, and a lot of stresses that went along with them...not sure if I could physically do it again, and the fear of not having a healthy baby overcomes my every moment....I have been told, better start now trying, not sure if I can now...unless there are some changes made...I have tried to ease my way to this point, but it can't happen anymore, I need to be ready now or never....big decision that needs to be made here...I have already been told to see a counselor for my anxieties and fears of being pregnant....I will have to make an appointment as soon as next week...I think I have made the decision to go forward with trying and if it doesn't happen easily, I will look into adoption....either way, I will bring another life into this world, I have already made that decision today...it will be as Kayla says, "however it turns out"..when I asked her if she wanted a baby brother or sister someday..she is so much more at ease and she helps me with her words of wisdom....has anyone out there feared Down's Syndrome? I did not get my triple screen test last time around (now they test for 4 things)...and would NEVER do the amniocentesis...how do you get past your fears, I know I have options, but I don't have a lot of support where I can get away and take care of those fears....I have to start with tapes and quiet moments while I am here...

A long but fullfilling day

2006-08-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

I like to handwrite sometimes in bed, it is the only place lately where I can get some peace, but I was falling asleep as I was writing last night, I was beat. Today I woke up feeling horrible, made a doctors appt for tomorrow...not soon enough..hope I can get through today without stressing about how I have been feeling lately....I have fibroid tumors which I think are affecting the way I feel worse and worse each month, so hopefully I can explain this to my doctor again tomorrow and see what she can suggest other than the latest response, we will see how it goes....well, its not going, it sucks to be a woman sometimes....(again, if you double click, you can see my writing better..still have not mastered this all yet, but I dont let it hold me back!)

Bug Party

2006-08-09T02:01:00.000-07:00

I am planning a bug/garden party for Kaylas 5th, every year I get crazy with the party and this year is even worse, because she already has a group of friends, and now she is in preschool and I am stuck as to who I should invite, last year her class is all going to Kindergarden, and this year she has a whole new class. I may invite just the three girls that were part of the summer program that she hung around with a lot. I have such a feeling of being misplaced due to this school thing, I know that this year, I will get more involved with the parents and playdates with the kids at school, but for now, since her birthday is so close to the beginning of school, I will just go with the usual gang and maybe have a small Halloween party for the kids in her class at a later date, or even a little holiday craft party...obsessing already..I was up all night getting her invitations ready...started making them..Didn't take long after I got rolling with them..just need to make the little nets that dont take much time .....had fun with it...I just have to get everything down on paper and figure out the plans, I will have my parents and some other family in town, so it gets a bit hectic around her birthday, but its also nice, because it is the last horrah before the holidays, and since I am in retail, when I do these things, I do them big because I go into my busy time and usually cant do much around the winter months..... keeps me creative and busy doing things I like to do.....

Camping Out

2006-08-08T03:58:00.000-07:00

I have always been one to experience a new adventure, so I have passed that along to my little one. Her first camping trip was in a tent in an absoutlely beautiful campground called Paradox Lake in New York, http://camping.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=camping&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dec.state.ny.us%2Fwebsite%2Fdo%2Fcamping%2Fcampgrounds%2Fparadox.htmljust breathtaking. I had bought my hubby everything for camping for Fathers day. It was hard because K was just starting to walk and she got real dirty, but baby wipes always took care of the little dirt. We used the tent once, but this weekend, when we went to http://www.jellystonesturbridge.com/ we gave our tent to some of our friends to use, so they could spend the night there too. Another family came and brought their own tent and stayed. They will be going camping in Montana next year at Glacier National Park? and they have asked us if we would like to join them. I am not one for camping in a tent, I get little sleep as it is, and dont mind doing it in my backyard, but I think it would be too stressful. So, I am looking into the timeshare swap thing in Montana so we can go. I don't want to sound like a snob, but it is just not my thing. K is not at the age either where she sleeps well, and it just would not be restful. Her kids are older and more appreciative of that type of trip. So we may go and stay in a place and go hiking during the day.
I stayed home for my first year with K, long story short, I was working for a start up that didn't last long, so it was difficult to interview 8 months pregnant, and with the year severence, hey, why not...she needed me, she was sick a lot, so it just worked out for the best. On my first week with my new job a year later, I passed this trailer on the way for my training and told my hubby about it, since I was back to work, we could afford a camper, and not have to deal with the tent....it is like our little home, I love it and it is PERFECT for the three of us....we brought it with us this weekend, and we had a great time. The first night, we had the biggest cookout, all three families, 12 of us, sitting around after we swam in the pool and went down the water slide, and just ate well (steaks, hot dogs, hamburgers, corn and yummy salad)...it felt so good to entertain everyone in such a simple fashion...when you are home you have to worry about your house, etc..it was so nice....we had a wonderful time, made smores, the kids watched movies in the camper and we all went to bed at about 11:00...the next day we went to Sturbridge Village http://www.osv.org/, a place that I have always wanted to go to....I made this plan and everyone decided they wanted to come, it was AWESOME! It was hot, so a few of us decided to go back to the campground and go swimming while the others that love history stayed and watched the revolutionary war reenactment (the soldiers all set up overnight the night before and sleep in their tents, very real)...K especially had the best weekend, hanging with her friends..she loves new experiences and time with these kids...Both mornings I made homemade blueberry pancakes for the gang with bacon, eggs, english muffins..it was the best...I fit almost everyone in side with seating...what a complete blast we had! I then thought, why cant life at home be this simple? This is what I LOVE! Has anyone out there been camping? It is just so rejuvenating. I have decided that when I go camping, I will definitely investigate where we go...I like the campgrounds that have less to offer on the grounds, more privacy and more to offer in the form of sightseeing outside of the grounds, and more nature activities. The more they offer on the grounds, the more crowded it is....I like peace and serenity....the one upstate new york was like that, jellystone was not (I dont have any pics of that trip, no digital!) What a lovely experience with my family and friends...

Language of Love

2006-07-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

This week's Mixed Media Memoirs topic is "My Symbolic Language". I was thinking about what I say and how I feel everyday. When I came back from work today, I turned on a CD/DVD that a friend of mine made me with pictures that blend into eachother of our last two visits together. She sent it to me last summer and this is the longest we have gone without seeing eachother, so I played it and Kayla and I watched this 10 minute clip over and over and sang the song, Elton John's You'll be Blessed. I was crying not from being sad, but from being so happy that I have such wonderful times and memories. The year before that for my birthday she sent a double wooden frame of a picture of me and her youngest, one on each side of the frame. I miss her, and of course I tried to call her and could not get in touch, I told her how much I missed her and I had a few words from a song for her, put the phone up so she could hear that we were playing our song. So I was thinking of everything I say and do and trying to find a common theme, and I picked Love. I am a person that communicates my love for all of the people I know and care about. I got a bunch of new stamping stuff, pastels, and some different powders that you stamp with clear stamps and then brush on pastels and chalks, while I was experimenting, I figured I would make a little collage out of it. I will be on vacation this coming week, so I will be trying to keep from the computer and focusing on quality time with my daughter, and hopefully I will get some pictures to share when I come back.

What Worked for Me

2006-07-30T00:40:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, 'What Worked for Me' was the topic for Mixed Media Memoirs . As I lay in bed, I wondered what has helped me in being a happier person and what have I done differently to get excited each and every day to wake up and take on the day? Then I thought of honesty and how I have become more honest with myself, admitting what doesn't make me smile, and changing those things that affect my mood each day. I have been doing great with my diet and exercising, not necessarily in it right now to lose the weight, but to feel better and take steps towards being happier and healthier. I had a great week and one of the reasons why I decided not to 'run away' on a vacation is because I want to eat healthy, exercise and continue on this path. I know that we can all do that when we are on vacation (yeah right!) and I thought, what would happen if I passed out while working out in the hotel room and Kayla couldn't get help? So, I am going to go for morning walks, challenge myself with long workouts in the evening, get out my stamps and card making stuff, work on some packages that are late getting out, meet with Melba, and just do the sweet things that make ME happy. We will still meet the college friends for camping next weekend, and I will still go over night once this week with my friend Patti to storyland, and to the beach with Aimee (just in case anyone of you girlies are reading this, I have not cancelled our plans, just mine for staying over on the cape)....After work today, I will be relieved of the stresses there, I have no boss right now (no one has been assigned to our store just yet), and I just changed positions at work (lateral move) and now in charge of 'Guest Experience'. A whole different outlook at work too...Positive..very much so.... I am going to keep on being honest with myself, and when someone asks me "How is your day going?" I can respond in a more positive way...because so far, since it is only 330am and I am showered and getting ready for work, I still posted today and can move on with my 'third' job, (my first one is taking care of myself, the second is my family).

Connection Beyond Friendship

2006-07-30T00:24:00.000-07:00

I feel blessed everyday to have kept my relationships with my friends going. Each day I made an effort to reach out, communicate, keep everyone in the loop with eachother and what goes on in our lives. I guess when I thought of Creating and Keeping a Connection Mixed Media Memoirs topic on Meblas Be Alive Believe Be You I thought of all of those feminine spirits that I am connected with. Blogging is a new route for me, but over the years, I have always stayed connected with those that inspire me. I live far physically from many, but the times we chat on the phone and get together, it is like we were with eachother all year round. I try to get everyone together on a few occasions through out the years, and traditions have become very important to me. I have incorporated my vacations into seeing the girls, each and everyone makes me laugh, cry, close my eyes and just remember how important they are to me. Thank you to all the wonderful women that have filled my heart over the years with love. My new friends who I have met here when we moved to where my husband grew up, I have kept such an ongoing relationship with them. It has been wonderful to have babies together, and to sit back and watch them communicating amongst themselves. There are so so many others that I want to connect more with and when I do my craft swap, we will reconnect, it has been a while for some, but I think of you often. I am so grateful to have my life and rarely ever feel lonely. How can I when I have a neighbor that I can just pick up the phone and run over for a cup of tea or take a long walk with? God has been good to me, and has blessed me with so many people I can love and who accept my love for them. (as always, you can double click on the pic so you can read those words that I have written about our times together)

Vacation Part 2

2006-07-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I traded my timeshare in this year and they called today to say they had a two bedroom available on the cape...last minute cancellation, when I found out where it was, I said, hmmm that is the one we own, and someone traded it back...well, we bought the timeshare for trading purposes only. We dont really like the place, not our style, but it was a good deal, valid for our lifetime and we use it when we go away other places....BUT it is close, reasonable to drive and just hang for a few days...we have a trip to WDW for the family planned in Oct, so there is no reason why I have to rush there...the timeshare we are staying in doesn't have a lot to it, really the place to sleep, eat, swim......but wouldnt you know it is extremely close to where Melba is having her gathering next year, check it out justBe...connected and as you read in her post, we tried to hook up a few weeks back, and she wasnt feeling well....hmmm...kinda funny how the only place available happens to be so close to where she is having this event...wierd? meant to be? Hopefully we can get together and maybe visit that scrapbook store she wrote about...and go check out the hotel...I have girlfriends already lined up to come down with their kids and spend each a night with us, so we will have visitors throughout the week, and we will leave to go camping the following weekend....now I just have to cancel my airline tickets and get a credit toward the next trip...so, I finally decided, Cape Cod it is....and I am at peace finally with my decision..... the girls on the cape...it will be so much fun having little sleepovers with Kaylas friends....making beaded necklaces, using the new stamps I bought to make her birthday cards, finishing up some scrapbooks, I can do all of this when she is sleeping at night....it will be fun...

August

2006-07-27T04:09:00.000-07:00

Over the past four years, we have gotten three families together for a few days/week in the beginning of August. All families travel a lot, and the best part is the kids are all different ages, but they all get along so well. K had a ball last year, and remembers every detail of her trip to the Cape. This year we are all going camping for a weekend. I simply cannot wait. I cannot wait to see her playing along with the children of the girls I have known for over 15 years! It is so laid back, we just laugh and go with the flow of what the day will bring. We have never gone camping all together, but it is an affordable trip for everyone. We have a camper, and really dont get to use it much, so it will be fun to be in it again....we also are bringing a tent for one of the families....I am excited to do this, but haven't still decided what I am doing with my trip to WDW. My hubby says go, he has an estimate to work on that he has not found the space or time to do, and with us away, he would be able to accomplish this task stress free. I try to give him the space when necessary. In the past four years since he started his business, he has only asked one other time...so I know it is necessary. He balances his work and family life so well, I admire him....and love him for that....still deciding...taking the dog to the vet today so we will see what happens there and tomorrow will be a day that i will have to pack for both trips and go grocery shopping for our camping trip..I am on schedule, I wrote a list last week and did EVERYTHING, including eating healthy and exercising! I am psyched!

Tuesday

2006-07-25T15:21:00.000-07:00

Today I went to go see a dear friend in Plymouth....she vacations once a year down there, sits by the pool and goes to Isaacs for dinner...she is with her husband part of the trip and then with her mom the other part....each year that she goes, I spend Tuesday of that week with her by the pool...it was great to see her....she now works for the same company I do, this is our third job together! She was thinking today what will be our next one! I made her a basket so she could have fun with it in her hotel room...little note cards, chocolates wrapped in pretty paper, a journal...little candies wrapped pretty....she loves each and every thing in life, and I had fun with this...we chatted about our friendship....how dear we are to eachother, and how our traditions we have together are so sweet....we have been doing the hotel thing for four years now....and we see eachother at least once more for our annual Holiday Party...just 8 of us...sometimes it is nowhere near the holidays! Because most of us are in retail! The last was a sendoff to a dear friend, J, he moved to Florida to open up a Nordstroms...we are all so connected...especially Me and D....our last venture will be to open a gift store, somewhere most likely on the south shore of Massachusetts...we had a wonderful time....it is so strange that we have gotten so close over the years, like we have know eachother for a lifetime...like we are sisters...I am grateful in my lifetime that I got a chance to have such a wonderful relationship with her...unconditional friendship....(oh and with my posts, a few people have said that they cant see the writing or the pics, double click away and I think it will make it larger)...I just did it and I can see the little items better:)

Thinking of You..Angel

2006-07-25T05:10:00.000-07:00

Today

2006-07-25T04:51:00.000-07:00

Live for Today, Not for To Tomorrow.....this is what I will have to go by....and not yesterday either....when I was pregnant, I had an amazing dream that I will have to write about....my little seed growing inside of me, 'the wise child' in my dream, took me to the 'mountain' and spoke these words to me..I had a rough pregnancy and thought something bad was going to happen to me or K...I was actually surprised that she was 'ok' when she was born...I thought the worse....and with all the prayers, and reike that my mom did when I was pregnant, when she stayed with me for two months to care for me, things went well...one little birth defect that I will share at a later time...nothing dramatic, just something that we will live with....she has the best doctor in the world for it, he is the chief at one of the most reknown hospitals in Boston..so K is in good hands....we have accepted that.........so here is what is bothering me today and affecting my spirits.....I called my mom to tell her about someone that had passed away....while I was working this weekend, My hubby visited our favorite breakfast joint, we have been going for 11 years, and our fav waitress has been serving us, we followed her to the new restaurant when the old one burned down...we became close with her....My hubby sent contractors over to her house and fixed some things for her, I believe he footed the bill too, he does this when he sees people suffering, he is amazing like that...her daughter used to work there too, she is 19 now, but took on a different career as a hair dresser, my hubby goes to her for his cuts...she makes him even more handsome than he is...we used to listen to our waitress, I will call her 'Angel'...for privacy purposes....she would give us articles of fundraisers she would coordinate for Cystic Fibrosis for her daughter, my hubbys hairdresser, she would talk to us about her experiences at the hospital K goes to for her birth defect...her wonderful experience with Reike with her daughter and alternative medicine, anything she could do to help her daughter...like we would all do....we gave her holiday bonuses as tips, we loved Angel..well I should say we Love Angel.....because she is still with us....she wants us to believe that...she suffered for a year, and she wrote a beautiful passage, I believe it was hers, there is no author attatched to it...if it isn't, I apologize for posting it and not giving credit to the author....but I have to believe this.....angel is the sun today, she is sound of the birds singing....I cant say the words, she is no longer to physically take care of her daughter....I will miss her smile, her words, I will see her someday...and her daughter will too....I am having trouble posting her words....but I will in the next post.....

Vacation

2006-07-23T01:03:00.000-07:00

I have been spending the past 2 weeks trying to make a decision on a vacation....I know there are friends and family that keep in touch through reading this blog, and this is what I have been doing. I dont have a lot of free time and have been spending all of it obsessing over what to do...you see, usually the first week in August is when all of Kaylas babysitting, schools, shut down, so this is when I take a few days off, not a true vacation week from work, I usually take those in Jan and Oct....before and after the retail rush, and we always go away, usually to Disney World because I love it there, feel comfortable getting around by myself with K if I have to, because I totally know my way around there, I have been a lot since I did an internship down there in college and just make it part of my life. It is not expensive if you do it right, so I have gotten over feeling guilty....we usually went once a year, but I dont know what happened last year, it got out of control..I went twice alone with K, my hubby went once with K, and we went once together...I think at this age with K it is better to get away when on vacation, it is a stress reliever for all, we work so hard and just like to get away for our vacations...so I have been getting a little overwhelmed with what to do....we have passes for the year, so I am not worried about the price of tickets to the parks,....I dont eat much when I am there, eat light, no sit downs, etc...I got two roundtrip tickets for 250 for airfare, and the hotel will cost me anywhere from 500-800 depending on where I want to stay....do I take the value resort for 99, or do I take the Beach Club or Saratoga for 189/159..these hotels usually run about 400/night, but disney annual passholders get a discount...so for the two of us to go, for 4 nights, this aint a bad deal...if I stay here, I will get caught up in the humidity and allergies, the house will be trashed on a daily basis and I think I will just be stressed out....or will everything go so smooth that I will get massive amounts of projects done? When we get back on Thursday, we will leave on Friday to go camping, which is only an hour and a half away...we get together with my college friends and their families once a year and it is usually one the Cape, but no one really could spend the week so when they heard about the campground we were going to, they booked! I had already made the plans, so my hubby, K and myself could at least spend a few days together on my vacation....this will give my hubby a few days to wrap up some jobs, and relax so he CAN go away for a few days......He says I should go, he would...last year he decided to go the day after Thanksgiving when we were driving back from NY, and he said, book me a trip, so I did on his NExtel and a few hours later, he was off with her for a long few days, and he didnt resist staying in the contemporary on the top floor, he doesnt obsess like me, he just does it...and feels good about it....you see, I grew up on a conservative budget, but was fulfilled with what life gave me...now I have a little more financial stuff to play around with, and I feel guilty, because I dont know if I want to work this much, but if I do, I might as well treat myself, because if I dont, my hubby may! so, I am just feeling guilty about this, my friends roll their eyes when I tell them I am going again....its ok, it is just where I am in my life, I need to escape to somewhere I feel comfortable and need to return to my retail management position with a relaxed attitude....which for me is my biggest struggle in life, I get worked up even over this...I am a mess....one of my peers at work calls me a train wreck..he is right..I am....but he is the one that called me to tell me that southwest was running a special at 59/each way when he knew I had already made up my mind NOT to go.....help!

Craft Overload

2006-07-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

I have been buying some stamps from Michaels and having fun with them..then I went to one of those Stampin' Up parties where everything is so structured...I enjoyed it, but I dont like playing by the rules! I invested in some pearl dust stuff and some pastel chalks and a few sets of stamps...we made some cards, which I enjoyed, but I dont like the shape/size of the card. I make all my cards different sizes so I will ahve to experiment. I love the background stamps with the clear stuff you stamp and then rub pearl dusting powder on it. I originally started getting into this recently, because I want to make K's birthday invitations for September. Her theme this year will be a Garden theme with flowers and bugs (something for the boys and something for the girls). I have lots of ideas already, I think about it all year round. Any cute ideas for a garden themed party? I usually get too involved..I want to keep it simple, One craft, One set of favors, One Game.....I get carried away with these parties...another business I want to get into...

I want to make a commitment to myself and STOP spending so much on crafts, etc. and work with what I have. I seem to buy so much and do so little with it....I want to finish some of my jewlery, get going on her antique miniature doll house and furniture, make lots of cards, and thats it! Maybe some journals too.....how to you keep yourself committed to what is in front of you? I seem to have such an issue with it..I need to start writing lists for my projects and follow through.....

Beading

2006-07-09T16:47:00.000-07:00

I dont know why or how I took up another hobby...beading..I had fun this time with it..at the beach today, I created two long ones with black cord and antique looking silver beads. The large beads at the front of the necklaces are from napkin rings on clearance at target. I love greens and browns...earth tones...they came out really nice, although you cant really see them well in the picture. I you double click, you can see them more closely. I started out with braclets over the past few days, but they are just 'ordinary and I wanted to try something different. I wear a lot of long sleeve ts in the winter and fall and I am always looking for a longer necklace to pop out on the shirt. Usually necklaces are just not the right length for me, so I made these longer. These are going to be gifts, just have to create some packages that I am about to send out. I learned how to crimp on the beach today so now I have ideas for many more! What type of necklaces do you wear? I like silver and black or white gold. My wedding ring in platium and so are my earrings, and I normally dont change my earrings, in fear I will lose them...I like long neclaces and a funky ring once in a while. I really like the black cord. I have many more beads to play with, and the thing I love about beading, is if you dont like something, the only thing you have wasted is the string, and not all of it! you can just restring them. I have a few shirts that have ties and a few beads and I want to add to them....but of course I just dont like to buy all my beads, I like to 'find' them and whenever I found those knapkin rings on clearance, I couldnt wait to get creating! I always add a bead or two to my gift tags...making it more sparkly...

Friday's Finds

2006-07-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

I want to participate and I just can't get into my flicker account today, need to revisit my account and see what is going on, but I really wanted to participate in http://www.1of4sisters.blogspot.com/ (Maryann's)((http://www.flickr.com/groups/fridaysfinds/ Friday's Finds. I went to a book fair in my little town today and my gosh, it was a mob scene! People were lined up with their bags and boxes and they had their books to price out what the worth of the books were and their calculators ready. We were not 'allowed' to 'look' at the tables until the church bells went off at 10:00. I had got their earlier because across the street there was a yard sale. I picked up a bunch of stuff for 6.00, a few dolls for Kayla, a few baskets for goodies that i want to send out, and an old pattern for doll clothes that I will cut up and use as either paper dolls or greeting cards. I found four magazines, including two Better Homes and Garden Mags from the 1940's. Adorable! They are all December issues and I have already cut them up and I am making Christmas cards out of them..Christmas in July?! Maryanne what have you done to me!? Ok, so I find these little packages of 'Bridge tally sheets'. for .25, they look like little greeting cards, I will use them for tags or little cards, oh my gosh, the endless possibilities of paper! So I am having heart palpatations from my finds today! I cannot wait to craft tonight when everyone goes to bed. My hubby's cousin was there setting up his band to play at the book fair, and his wife was manning the childrens book table (Oh the books that I got there! vintage children books for .25/each!) This will keep me busy for a while! My little one had fun picking out a few dollies for 1.00 each. She carried a little red basket around with her. You see, I always liked to rummage around, but I am usually working when these events come about in my town. I want to go back, but I have so many projects going at once, I need to settle down and get going! At the fair today, this lady that was working there, said "I love your shirt"..she said it a few times until I realized she was talking to me..I usually dress plain, but this looks like a vintage shirt with some soft pink velvet washed tie ups at the top and some sparkly pink little beading...pretty....She said it reminded here of the movie she saw last night Devil Wears Prada?? I dont get to go out to the movies and she had asked if I saw it, and told me it reminded her of the movie, ok, so what does this mean, obviously it is a compliment. I dont get too many compliments, probably because I usually overwhelm every conversation. A few ladies compliments my little girls dress, one woman, said, "I love the way that you dress her". It was a 5.99 dress from the childrens place that is like tie dye layers, long....tank dress...we both felt 'pretty' today...what a lovely day! I didnt think I would have the energy to go out with my hubby and little one tonight, he wants to go to the movies, but with this day fullfilled with good things, I have come out of the depression I was in this am....(I drank an ice coffee at 7pm, went to Michaels, bought more beads and stamps and made braclets in my bed until 1pm, wired from the coffee...so that sort of made me take a step back this morning from feeling good.) Happy weekend! Can anyone who is reading this give me any helpful short hints, if not too much trouble how to set you up on my sidebar! I want to get more involved, and read more and connect more!

Day with the Cousins

2006-07-04T17:40:00.000-07:00

This morning we packed up to go to a parade. It is tradition for hubby's family and at first we were going to go away for a few days, and my hubby silently without much fussing, make it obvious that it was important to go to the parade that she has been going to for 39 years. How could I argue with this?! We have been having a little bit of a hard time lately, and thought we needed a few days away together, but it all worked out. When we were packing, my little one decided she wanted to pack some toys and a cup of water that she helped herself to from the refrig because she didnt want to get 'hot' at the parade. I thought it was just the cutest thing that she things she needs to take care of herself like this, so I carried the bag around with the cup of water, making sure not to spill it. She was so proud of herself. We got to see her cousins, which live locally but because of 'family dynamics' does not get to see them much. It was a lovely day, with the exception of kids almost getting killed by cars in the parade because they wanted CANDY. At the end of the day Kayla decided she wanted to have her own parade in the driveway, and started throwing around her candy at her cousins. She was so tired, she was being goofy. It meant so much to my mother in law that we were there today, more than I knew when I was actually planning to go away. Had we decided to go away, it would have been her first year since she has met me that I have not been there. The sacrifice I made today actually was a good one, I was happy there, and comfortable, more so than I have been in the past. I always try to consider everyones' feelings and at times feel like I give myself the shaft, but today was a great decision. I felt the family feeling that has been missing for many years, a lot has happened between all of us, and today, it was just sharing art, talents, and sweet loving conversations. It was beautiful...and I cannot wait to send a thank you to her for making it so special...

Mother-in-Law

2006-07-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

Today we just got back from my mother in laws house...she is quite the artistic one, and I have never really taken the time to tell her how much I appreciate her passions and love for her art. It means more to me since I have been blogging. Today was the best day we have had together in a long time. There is usually some kind of stress that gets into the way of having a very sweet time, and today there was nothing. She looks wonderful, and every inch of her home is filled with things that she has created. I had a lot of trouble rotating photos, so this is what it is, or else, I would not post tonight, and I try to stay committed at least most days. The darker photo is of her art room upstairs. She paints mostly there. The second picture is a photo of a gingerbread mold (girl and boy) that she has hanging in her kitchen. I told her I must borrow these around the holidays to make treats for Kayla and her friends. She told me that she bought it at a 'five and dime' when they first moved to this town. They are just an absolutely amazing size mold! I cannot wait! Here is also a picture of most of her fiesta ware, I say that because I went into the basement to get something and I saw boxes and boxes of the stuff. She found this shelf probably at a garage sale or thrift shop. Her ENTIRE house is furnished from a garage sale. She has always been a second hand shopper and I have to say, her years experience with this is more than anyone I have ever met. Each part of her home is sweetly decorated and has such a touch of art everywhere. There is also a picture where she has a small antique desk where she works on her laptop. When I got here, I began taking pictures of her place, complimenting her and telling her how much I have always appreciated her decorating skills. She has always given me gifts that have come from thrift stores and antique shops and I have treasured everything she has ever done for me. She does all of this without effort, with much confidence and such grace. She has given us the most beautiful oriental rugs, some that date as late as the 1800's....I told her about my new blogging stuff, and she was very interested. She told me she is going to a thrift shop on Saturday that is going out of business and that she wants me to go to check it out, everything is 50-75% off. I showed her my beginner beading stuff and she lit up, brought me upstairs, and showed me the boxes and boxes of stuff for children's beading that she picked up at a yard sale for my little girl. I couldn't believe it. Then she showed me the book she bought last week for learning how to bead, along with the lot of precious stones and jewlery that a friend of hers gave her. She showed me earrings that she bought for a quarter each that we took and tied a string around and I showed her how it would make the most beautiful necklace if we had a little leather rope. We had so much fun. It was wierd how we connected today. Like two little girls in a craft store. I made a necklace and two bracelets today, they aren't my favorites, but it is a learning process. The best part of the day was that we totally appreciated eachothers talents. And I told her about my creativity swap and she is very interested and excited about coming! I want to make more time with her, after today, I have really taken a step back to realize how much I appreciate that she does and that the things she loves, I do to.....

This Season I Will...

2006-07-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

This Week's topic for Melbas Be Alive Believe Be You Mixed Media Memoirs is 'This Season I will". I seem to make these commitments, and document them each and every day. The night time comes and all hell breaks loose, I don't know why. My sleep pattern is my biggest struggle and I don't know how to fix it. We went as far as buying a new bed when it was not close to time to changing our mattress. As the few who read my blog have commented, I am too hard on myself and need to breath, relax, take some yoga, etc. These are things that have improved in my life greatly, but I still have a long journey. I have let go of many of my stresses, guilt about not spending time with my family, friends. I have conquered that and make commitments that I have followed through and through with. I am happy with my relationships, no regrets! I have in the past been very aggressive at taking classes at the gym, completing hour classes of power step, power yoga, achieving moves that I thought only the incredibly strong minded could do. I used to be solid, no jiggling. Now everything seems to have settled on my skinny bones, layers and layers of fat, yes my girlfriends, fat. And yes I am fat. I hide it very well with clothing and style. I am not a rag a muffin, I dress nicely and spend what I need to on myself to 'try' to feel good. I do have bins upon bins of clothing that won't fit me. I want to get rid of them and work on losing weight and then getting pregnant again. I am approaching 39. At Melbas event, which is ironically held at a turning point in my life (the big 40) justBe...connected , yes ON THAT DAY. What a blessing! I have something WONDERFUL to do on a day that I have been DREADING. I truthfully thing about losing weight EVERYDAY and having another baby. I can afford a trainer, whatever it would take, but I just cant stay focused. My job soaks up my physical energy. I am beat by the time I get home, enough for loving family moments and picking up the house. I HAVE to squeeze in dieting and exercising. I know all the tools, the ways to incorporate it into my lifestyle and was doing so so well until there was a death in the neighborhood, and could not get back on track. I sink, I get depressed when others are hurting. If you tell me something sad, I bleed inside, I have been this sensitive since I was a child. I used to want to go after women that were yelling at their children. I need to stay on top of myself. I need to do this. I have several people in my life that I can look to for support on this, I just am stubborn when it comes to looking for help with my dieting. I want Kayla to have a sibling, but cannot until I lose about 20 pounds. I did it once before, I need to do it again. I need to start today. I will, I want to. I will have to bore with you the details on this blog, I don't know where else I can feel comfortable with this right now. I want to feel good in my clothes. I saw pictures of myself from last weekend and I looked MUCH better than I felt, it made me feel great to see them. I didn't want my mother to take pictures and have my dad see how fat I got, but was relieved when I saw them in the mail, my clothing seemed to take away from the blubber. This is the only thing I would really change right now, I need to feel good and I think it would change a lot in my life. There is a parade on Tuesday and I don't want to go because I am fat. When my grandmother died, I didn't go see her before she passed away because I was fat. Please don't feel badly for me, I know I am strong enough to take responsibility. I need to find the time and energy to take care of myself, journaling, crafting has helped, but I need to take it a step further. Between work and caring for family, I need to fit it in, I might have less time for crafting, but I need to do this.

Tuesday's Beach Day

2006-06-30T03:36:00.000-07:00

We did it, we packed up the trucks and drove out to the beach. My friend A is very daring and talked me into a beach pass a few years ago, I got this years also. I dont really love driving on the beach, I am afraid I will do something bad to my truck, I just got a brake job that cost well, too much, almost 2K...ughhhhhh..could have went to Disney for a week! yuka! It to me has always been too much work, but I am trying to be more proactive in planning so I can enjoy my day off more. So I have just made it a goal to try to do grocery shopping and bills on days that I work so that on Tuesday, my precious day off each week with my girl, is devoted to just her and some friends...and Tuesday night is 'family night' where we usually go out for dinner or do something like play a board game together. How do you plan you days off? With all that we do and dream of doing, I find it necessary to write lists and goals each day. This way, I can have time for me, and time for others...better balance, I strive for it each day...the beach day turned out nice, I had a nice cry on the way home with my friend P, she gave me wonderful tight hugs again. I bought a bunch of beads for us to make bracelets but we never did bring them out to play. I am trying to get into beading, such beautiful jewelry you can make, but need to take a class or book, not real good at tieing them together and getting the clasps going....it will take time...but I got some beautiful beads, cant BELIEVE how inexpensive it is to get into this...Next week we will be spending some family time away. My husband is taking the week off and wanted to take Kayla away but I thought, it would be easy that way, book a flight and run, or we can try to get a few days all together, so we will be taking a visit together for two days to a little historical town and village. It will be different as we have a family (his) tradition of going to the July 4th parade in his town, but he didn't mention it, and I feel it is important for us all to take some time together and figure some things out...why we are so rushed all the time, why we seem to struggle with balance...we need to smile, laugh, enjoy....I hope I can be stress free for two days, any ideas how to prepare and not get overwhelmed?! Now, off to work, have a great weekend.

Family Love

2006-06-30T03:26:00.000-07:00

Well, we did it, we all met half way where we live for a day together. It rained the entire day, and not one of us complained about it, we were all too excited to be together..we grabbed our umbrellas and walked around the Seaport Village and Aquarium. Kayla has developed a love for handmade cards as she sees me working away at them. She has a makeshift desk next to mine (her craft table is in the kitchen, but she wants to be next to me..we are going to move everything around one of these days and have ours next to eachother), She sent her first handmade card out to her nana and when nana was coming off of the ferry, she had it in her hand. It was a magical moment for Kayla, she was simply amazed with how this worked. She wants to make cards everyday. I will be setting up a little mailing center for her and she can send as many cards out as she wants! She has learned to write most of her letters and loves to tell me what she wants to write and I tell her what letter. She informed me that when she grows up, she thinks she will be a Craft Gurl. She is so cute and appreciates art, and I love your crafty times together. Our day all together as a family as sweet. My mom, sister in law and brother had fun with Kayla as you can see. My dad, brother and husband were working, but we still kept with the plan. They each have their own businesses, so I understand it doesn't always work out, next time! Kayla would run to nana when she needed a rest, which was nice, to get a little break...she is taking a nap on nanas lap...wish I still could, but I am too big!

Sweet Memories Part 2

2006-06-26T03:53:00.000-07:00

The name sweet memories will be the gift shop that my friend D and I have always dreamed of opening. She signs her cards Sweet Memories, D. She is someone that I have a history of sharing sweet thoughts and special moments with. She gives from the heart and she has a sweet spirit. She has always been so good over the years since I had Kayla remembering special days, but I have not. I have not done for her what she deserves. We chat at least once a week but rarely get to do the things we loved, browsing the little card stores in Boston, shopping, getting together as a group. We still get together a few times a year, our annual Christmas party commitment, it is usually in the summer! But we do it no matter what time of the year it is. There are 9 of us, including Kayla. They love having her as part of it, as no one else has children. M has kids/grandkids, but they are older and she doesn't bring them. One of the group J moved to Florida and he is home now, so our next gathering seems to be about a week away. We are so laid back and relaxed and just laugh and have fun. I want to put a package together for my sweet memory girl. I talked to her yesterday and told her about my blog and also my craft swap and she is coming. She is one of my creative friends. Our last job together we used to do 'show and tell' in the morning and just bring in our most beautiful gifts, cards, etc. It was a cute moment we shared. I made her this journal last night in bed...I miss her and love her....still have to fix the back, as you can see the red notebook still showing..not easy crafting in bed at midnight! But I feel fulfilled this morning before work....

Swapping Creativity

2006-06-25T05:11:00.000-07:00

These pages aren't in order...whoops....wanted to post for the day...so here it is, scrambled!

Sweet Summer Splish Splash

2006-06-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

I hope you find these B. Can you see Cole and Kayla swimming around together...well, just imagine, we are sitting by the pool sipping cool drinks, and the guys are entertaining the kids in the pool! Hey, what a way to celebrate our birthdays! Yes! Cannot wait! I wanted to put this one up for you before I fly out of here.

Uncle J

2006-06-23T04:40:00.000-07:00

Uncle J, you work so hard, I remember the last time your goddaughter came to see you, you showed her your fish pond and you both were so intense for an hour looking at all the fishies and feeding them. I love everything you have done with your home and your life...I want more time to enjoy it with you. This picture was taken last summer when we visited. Kayla has some very cute memories with her god father. We tried to arrange a get together and meet halfway this weekend, but he will be working. We will meet the others and send pics. I want to plan a day with my bro, I want to spend some time with him...I thought if we chose a place in the middle it would relieve the stress of an overnight visit. It will be about 2 hours for each of us. I thought we are just meeting for the day, don't have to entertain eachother....so far there are a lot of us meeting tomorrow....I just want to be with family, I miss them everyday and dream of our times together....and I miss my bro...I want Kayla to know more and see more of her family....she is a love and is so intense on spending time with them....I won't post for a few days, will be working late tonight and leaving early tomorrow...have a great weekend!!

Breathing in the Garden

2006-06-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

I was outside today for a few minutes and wanted to take a few quick pics of some of our gardens. My husband does a little landscaping each evening and keeps everything looking so natural but so pretty. I always appreciated his love for our yard. The fountain is one he bought me for mother's day last year, when he was in Virginia with Kayla on a 10 day camping trip. I love when it is running, it is so peaceful. I love sitting down in my backyard, and just looking at how beautiful things are that we created. There were so many times we wanted to rip things up but just went with what we had and worked on making it look neater.

There was a poem I read today in a book The Seven Whispers. The poem is by Susan Litwak

Tonight Everyone in the World is Dreaming the Same Dream

Each person lies in their bed, restless
calling an unknown name.
An angel comes to each and every one
and says: "Choose one hand," its own hands
shimmering behind its back
"In the right is life, in the left
death, called emptiness." At that moment
sobs are heard all over the earth,
and in the heavenly spheres
a rain of tears.

In the dream I am weeping,
For the angel has no hands,
only wings; and each person gazes
at their own palms, purified and glowing
One hand holds a spark, the other
a dry coal. Each person
spreads their wings.
The earth is created, and moves us
on our journey
toward remembering.

I read this after posting for Mixed Media Memoirs. I bought this book for my mom for her birthday and she sent it back to me along with The Artist's Way. When I told her I wanted to get back into journaling, she sent me a package within a few days.

I have a few friends that have been reading my blogs, their emails are very uplifting. One that I have not written about, which I will on Sunday, asked for the link again. She is a sweet soul and all of the emails I have been getting from my friends are wonderful and motivating.

I have to move forward and get out the door today..but for now, please be good to yourselves and take time to do things that you love....because you will love yourself more when you do....

Need a lift!

2006-06-22T03:24:00.000-07:00

This week's
Mixed Media Memoirs challenge is 'Wind Beneath my Wings".

Tuesdays Playdate

2006-06-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

This morning, the stress began so early. Tuesday is my only day off during the week, so I try to get everything possibly imaginable done on Monday nights when I get home from work at 6:30. I cooked dinner when I got home last night, then moved all my airconditioners from downstairs to the upstairs because Mark has been so busy, I didn't want to bother him tonight. There were other things that he needed to do like fix my computer! He switched out my keyboard and then what do you know, my internet connection is broken! So we got Kayla to bed by 10pm and I wanted so badly to go food shopping. If someone could have delivered me a large caramel ice coffee with two sweet and lows and milk, I could have swung it, but my 'hair' was just terrible. My hair determines my mood. It was not good, so I went to sleep and got up at 6:30. I cleaned up a little, because there is always a good chance that the playdate winds up at my house, not that I mind, but it is my only day off and after I cleaned my house I wanted it to stay that way, so if I escaped for the day, I could come home to a nice organized, clean home. Aimee called, it would work for her if we got together at my house, because her cabinet guy was coming and her 160 lb dog needed to be with her somewhere else while they installed the cabinets. The only other choice was the beach, she could take the dog there. It was 9am and I had not taken a shower yet (yes, even when I am going to the beach, I have to take a shower, because my 'hair' is like sticking up all over the place) and it takes me at least an hour to get all ready for the beach, but the breaks on my truck have been worrying me and what if they don't work in the sand..I am nervous enough about driving on the beach...AND my legs are white and full of vericose veins...not enjoying the beach idea..I call Patti, she really doesn't want to go either. So, she says, she will make it easier, if I want to go, go with Aimee. I shower and call her back, I really don't want to go to the beach. Not beach ready. And when you get home, you have to wash your car so the salt doesn't do damage in the long run. So, Christine winds up keeping Aimee company. I apologize to Aimee but tell her it is just not a good idea to get together at my house because it is hot and I have no food. So, Patti invites me up. I tell her I will bring us salads, because that is the only playdate food we eat, probably the only salad we eat all week! I am bored with salads, and am running late to go to the supermarket to make a few salads, so I go to panera bread and getStrawberry Poppyseed & Chicken Salad
All-natural citrus-herb chicken, crisp romaine lettuce, fresh strawberries, blueberries, pineapple tidbits, Mandarin oranges, pecans and our sugar-free Poppyseed dressing.. I get Kayla a cookie and a Sierra mist for the way. When I get to Pattis house, the kids are so excited to see us. She comes over and gives me a great big hug, not a superficial hug, one that was the biggest squeeze and she didn't let go for a few seconds. I needed that! The kids go outside and play in the dino pool that they got at BJs. Kayla announces that she is in charge and makes everyone choose a dinosaur and informs them that these are their brothers, and they have to choose a name. Kayla chooses Roger, Olivia chooses Tyrannasaurus Rexy (can't even spell the darn thing) and Jillian chooses Helin. They each have a coordinating color ball for their brothers to play with and the have a tube that goes around their neck.. Each girl held tightly onto their items today. They made up stories and were so creative all day. This was an unusually relaxing playdate. Patti started telling me how much she wants to start beading and making jewelry but she does not know when she would have the time. I told her that this would have been the perfect day, we should have strung beads while they all played together. It has never been this great before. There is usually more fussy dynamics involved and yelling and rough housing. Today it was peaceful. I needed to get away from home and let someone take a little bit of care of me today. After outside play we went inside and beaded kids bracelets. Two of the girls chose to make theirs with their dinos names. Patti and I had a nice talk and we discussed how different it is to fit in now, to find balance, to not lose who you are and what you like to do. She said she mentioned to her husband, she wishes there was a women's club where she could meet people like herself. I said, hmmmm....and told her a little more about blogging. Patti knows me, she knows what my passions and loves are...she understands...she loves crafts and is very creative. I wish I lived closer and could spend some more time with her during the week. She mentioned if we had gone to the beach, it would not have been as relaxing, we would have had to deal with so many other distractions. Today was sweet, and I needed a day with her and her little angels. I got big bear hugs from her girls when I left, and from her again. We always hug hello and good bye. My other friends here with kids, we just don't. She is the only one, I miss that, we all used to do that in New York. I want to connect more with her on an art level and maybe get together and work on some projects. She came up with the most amazing centerpieces for her parents 50th wedding anniversary and I told her I would love to help, so we will get together and do that. I need more of this, I feel complete today and relaxed..and fulfilled...thank you Patti!

Change that I Witness

2006-06-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

Last week's topic forMixed Media Memoirs was What Change do I Witness. I thought about the only thing in my life that is always a safe haven and where I feel the most comfortable and myself. When I first bought my home, I was so scared, no one in my family had yet done this, except my parents who moved into and later purchased my grandparent's home. Mark and I had decided that we would start looking for a home and within 6 months, we had found one and closed. When we moved in it was right to work, ripping up carpets, remodeling just about everything. When I look back, we have worked so hard on everything that we have with little or no help from anyone. It was such an accomplishment to us and we felt so good. Things have changed a bit, our careers have changed, life is easy for us. We live within our means. It is simple. Every time I pull into my driveway I just feel at peace, no matter what ever happens through out the day, I am just grateful that I have my home to come to. A lof of family and friends move around a lot and buy their houses whether it is for work, or they are just upgrading. I don't ever want to move. I am too attached to my home, my yard. It is just right. Yes, the rooms change, the decor changes, but it always the same feeling...safe...secure and happy....

My Sweet Laura

2006-06-16T18:34:00.000-07:00

Laura, I love you with my heart and soul, reconnecting with you and the way in which we did it was a message from you know who from you know where....we will always be soul sisters, no matter where we are, how often we talk, you will always be part of my heart. I will always remember the story of when you found a picture of us and you started using it as a bookmark in a baby book because you were pregnant and I got that email from you that said you wanted me to know, we had not spoken in years, but we had such a history and you did not want to leave me out. It was so exciting to find out we were pregnant together. Even though out of the whole group, we waited the longest, we still experienced it at the same stage of life together. I know we drifted for reasons, I just don't know why other than we needed to make some decisions in life and we just needed to do them on our own. Thank you for that wonderful message you left me the other day, it 'put me in a place' I have not been in a while. Our friendship is just a reminder of how we are so accepting of eachother and our lives, we have changed so much over the years, but still come back to the bond we started to build in high school. I am so glad you, John, Joseph and Dante are a part of our lives. We will connect soon and plan some weekend together!!

Connect with Friends

2006-06-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

I introduced my blog to a friend that I have known since high school, and through out the years we have kept in touch in different ways, phone calls, cards, a few visits to see her in Florida. We love to travel to Florida and do at least a few times a year and the past few visits, we have just not connected. I hope to see her in October for our birthdays. She will know when she sees this post what I mean. I truly think of her often and know what she meant when she said she wanted to be taken to a different place. Bonnie, lets think each day as getting closer to getting our little munchkins together. I am so proud of what you have done with your life and will close my eyes and think of our time that we will be able to spend together in October. I am so lucky to have a sweet friend that understands me...thank you for all your emails lately. They help me to think back to our years of friendship....to me, being a new mom (you) only adds another sweet dimension to our lives together...I love you!

Motivation - Zero

2006-06-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

I finished my dad's package last night after Kayla went to bed at 10pm AGAIN. I cannot deal with her late night bed time anymore. I tried putting her to bed for an hour, starting at 8pm, read her three books, told her a 'Princess Valerie and Prince Justin (we make it up everynight...names she chose)' story, rubbed her back and promised her that if she stays in her bed like a big girl, she can SOMEDAY have a sleepover that she has been asking about. No luck, running around like a chicken up and down the stairs laughing. She just does not listen. Sent her downstairs to my husband's office, she fell asleep on a chair down there and he carried her up to bed. Anyone out there with sleeping disorders?! It is so hard, I still insist on 'trying' to follow through with the routine, just doesn't seem to work very well. I printed out pics for my dad and did a little scrapbooking with them. All he ever wants is pictures, but I picked him up some great deals at Old Navy, polos on sale for 10.00, a l ittle windbreaker on sale for 11.00, so he ended up with a little red, white and blue package along with three shirts, a jacket and a hat, and lots of cute pics of his only grandchild. Today Kayla told me she is ready to have a 'brudder'. She wants me to go to the doctor and have the doctor put one in my belly. Well, my little sunshine, that may be the way it will have to work, because the only time your dad and I are home together is when we are fighting to put you to bed! Maybe if you go to bed every night at 8pm then Mommy and Daddy can get going on that little 'brudder'. I have been really thinking of another, and just wish I was 20 lbs lighter, then I would go for it...just can't seem to stick to a diet, I will lose, gain, lose, gain. Last week I started with my 'weekly commitments' to myself. Yogurt and fruit every day for breakfast; this week is 6 glasses of water a day and next week salad with chicken for lunch...each week I will try to add something...not happy in a bathing suit! not at all! from my waist down, no sarong or skirt could cover this! I am too tired to do anything more about it...I woke up with a sore throat, have taken two doses of generic cold medicine, feel sick to my stomach. I need to get out for work by 1pm and be ready for two days of dropping her off tomorrow morning and being back to work at 9am, get her Karate outfit all ironed and cleaned because she has it two days in a row and it has to be squeaky clean or sesai will give her shit. Oh and the babysitter just called, dress her in something that she get get squishy strawberries all over her because they are going strawberry picking (I love Susan, she is the best with Kayla! She always keeps the days she watches her filled with something so fun) I have special compensation at work because I spoke up and said it is too much for me to find someone to watch Kayla at 630 am on Friday mornings, get her there and then get to work by 7am (the required time we 'should' be there). Too much..this Friday morning thing...I have to 'get my butt moving' but feel too sick to! I need to go write out a small list of what I 'need' to do and forget the rest. Kayla is pulling her closet apart and now she is telling me she lost her spider man bandaid and I need to find it.....humm....let me sift through all the crap she has thrown around the house already today that I am too sick to pick up after....well she settled for a new one! Hallelujia!I just need a housecleaner, a babysitter, a therapist and a doctor to impregnate me with a turkey baster then I will feel like I have accomplished something today. Sorry to complain but this is just how I feel right now!

Father's Day

2006-06-14T03:20:00.000-07:00

Here I go again..obsessing over gifts....If I don't get my dad's Father's Day stuff in the mail tomorrow, express mail, he will not get it on time. So far this year, I have mailed everything on time, give or take a day, which was one of my New Year's resolutions. If not, I was going to celebrate an 'unbirthday' year and just give when I could, what I could, but so far so good. I made this card last night for my dad. The reason why I have such a hard time giving gifts is because purchasing something at a store, etc. just does not express the way I feel about the people in my life. My dad, I will post something about him on Father's day, is a wonderful, loving, passionate man who has achieved such great things in life, most of all, a love for what he does....He got his Captain's license at age 60. He has always had a love for the ocean, and now charters his boat as well as others off of Montauk on Long Island, NY. He is known as Captain John, and his stories are just simply breath-taking. He is simply the most wonderful man alive to me (and my brothers, husband) I never imagined motherhood to have such an affect on my relationship with my dad. It has been a long journey with him, but we are at a place where I hold no regrets, just simple beautiful memories as well as looking forward to each day with him. I have not shown any of my family my blog yet, and only two close friends from my childhood. I don't know when I will be ready. When were you ready? How does your family react? My family is a very sensitive one and they know what I love, so I am just not sure why I am holding back? Is it because there is stuff that i have not shared yet that I will not if they know? I am not sure myself just yet, have not reached that far down.

A New Creative Challenge for Myself

2006-06-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

I love cards and paper, always have before the whole scrapbooking craze came around. I have scrapbooks and that I made when I was a little girl. Around the holidays, my mom called me the Christmas mouse, I would wrap all the presents and make Christmas decorations for the tree. I loved being creative from an early age, just got away from it after I joined the corporate world after college. Artist Trading Cards are new to me, I wanted to try one. I bought some old cards from ebay a while back when I was thinking of names for my gift/card store. The name of the company that made the cards is 'Sugar n Spice'. This was a name that I had thought of in the beginning for my future store. I have years of ideas on what I wanted to do with my business. I crumbled up this box of cards about a year ago when I was getting rid of a lot of clutter, then decided to keep it, although the box is wrecked. I recreated one of the cards that was ripped for my first ATC. The rain drops are hand painted on very very old clear paper. I think of total sweetness when I look at this card, an innocent day reaching for the raindrops, trying to shield the rain my ducking under flowers.

Graduation

2006-06-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

Today was graduation at Kayla's school. Some moved onto kindergarten, others are staying on for next year and moving around days. I finished my teachers gifts by adding lemons and limes this morning and made chocolate chip cookies for the gang. It was a beautiful day and Mark showed up. I guess his previously scheduled appointment must have cancelled. I was happy he came. I love my family and just want more for us.
Most of the mothers there stay home with their kids. I work but don't have to for the money. My husband has a successful business that can more than support us. I am not sure what I do or why I do it, I just DO.....it's strange that I just go along with this, committing as much time to a job that I really just don't like. It is not like me, conforming to what everyone else 'thinks' I 'should' do. I have to start to find something else that makes me happy. I want to open a gift shop someday, and don't know what I am waiting for. I am super productive and know that if I could do something that I love, I would be so much happier..... I have so much to look at, I have to respond to some emails and comments on what I am up to with this gift shop...I really need to move forward with my ideas and plans....My daugther sings a song, "Get your butt moving, Get your butt moving" and she runs around the house, that is what I need to do....I should commit a little each day to creating my dream business.....why don't I? I am going ot start!

Hurt Soul

2006-06-12T02:48:00.000-07:00

I felt empty yesterday, and was feeling guilty about it. Something happened that just put me into a state where I just gave up on the day. I have every other weekend off, now I feel incomplete and drained going back to work this morning. I have been struggling with sleeping, and have been very irritable lately. I don't want to be this way. Sometimes it is easier to pull myself out of this pit, I am trying hard today. I hope that my sensitivity towards others will remain a part of me today. Last night it did not, I yelled at Kayla because she did not go to bed until 10pm. I am suffering over it today. I love her so much and know I hurt her greatly. When she gets up this morning, all I can do is promise to myself and her I will never do it again. I wish I could handle more and want to, but feel I do the best with what I have. I need to keep some sort of sense of myself today and consider all others along the way. It is hard to get moving today. I want my heart to be complete.

Kayla's Playmate

2006-06-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

Today we were trying to get 'stuff' done around the house and yard and Kayla kept asking if Aiden could come over. Our neighbors like their family time too, but when Aiden or Kayla hears eachother in their yards, they are climbing over fences to get to eachother. Can you tell? They are just the two cutest playmates. The nice part about it is my friend Aimee and I are just so easy going about our kid's friendship, our homes, our lives as neighbors. It is nice to have this relationship, especially with someone that lives next door to you. We meet at the fence when one of us needs to borrow something to complete our dinners, when we bake something, we meet to exchange if we have an abundance. I always wondered when I moved here, what it would be like with the people around me. We moved here before they did, only by about 6 months. We were both couples without kids, and I got pregnant one year after she did with Aiden. They go to the same preschool, but Aiden will be moving onto kindergarten. Today they were washing their hands together and Aiden put his hand on Kayla's shoulder and said "Don't worry Kayla, I will still have my Tuesday playdates with you, it will just have to be after school, I will have the bus drop me off right at your house". Having Kayla has definitely added a new dimension to my life. You see adults differently. You probably hang around with some mothers that you wouldn't normally if the kids were not involved. I am so happy to be part of Aiden's life, and hope that Kayla will always have time with him. I get worried as a mother how her friends will affect her life. I was very lonely growing up and felt left out a lot, I was sensitive and a lot troubled me. I don't want her to feel that way. I am still a little bit like that and get a uncomfortable around a group of mothers for some reason. Maybe because I still feel a little immature and know I have a lot of growing to do. Maybe because I am sensitive and always worry about whether or not people accept me. I hope to make the best efforts at friendships with the mothers that Kayla will be at school with next year. Unfortunately this year's group is all moving to Kindergarten, with the exception of Kayla and one other little girl. They just didn't make the cut off. Her teachers say she is academically ready but could use another year socially. I agree. She drew this butterfly today when I was doing my post for Mixed Media Memoirs . She used my good markers, she has her own, but wanted mine, at first I said No, then what the heck! They are replaceable! Is there any advice out there on bonding with the women in the playgroups/school? I thought I would be the first one to run the craft fair, etc. Enough posts for the day!

Mixed Media Memoirs - What I have learned Since....

2006-06-11T11:04:00.000-07:00

This weeks Mixed Media Memoirs topic is What I have learned from Mixed Media Memoirs .
Melba Be Alive Believe Be You introduced me to blogging. I have to thank her because for so many years, I have thought that I have not had time to journal anymore. Now that I am back to it, I feel more complete. I am usually in a rush when I post, as I am now, so this took me no time, but I wanted to thank her. I met Mary Ann follow your bliss also, who is just a doll, her art is so sweet. These two women have taught me that there are others that enjoy the sweet things in life, and that there are others that have the same passions I have. I cannot wait to meet them at justBe...inspired!! These two women are amazing and have helped me to reach down to my soul and use my passion for the things I love!

Baby Sock Roses

2006-06-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I obsess over gift giving. I make these roses for anyone who is having a baby. I saw them once and have been making them for years. This particular one I made for one of Kayla's teachers who is having a shower in a few weeks. I just think it is cute to have a bouquet of roses that last a while, and it is a nice gift for a new mom to be. I seriously obsess over gift giving. It consumes most of my free time, as ridiculous as it sounds. All day long, creating gifts for people. I wish I could just do it all day long as a career. I am not happy with what I do for my full time career, it is just not rewarding. I do it for family reasons, but often times feel like I sacrifice everything for everyone elses' happiness. I had a good day (my daugthers favorite song! she changed the words from Bad day to good day!) today singing in the car with her, painting boxes and making up stories on paper with stickers. I have a few friends that think I am crazy because I am so into making gifts, and often they say, why do you bother?! I bother because I love to make a handmade gift and it helps me to show my passion for giving. I remember when I made some favors for my daughter's birthday and someone said, why did you waste your time?! Not a waste at all, I want people to understand that this is me, I love what I make, and I have been trying to find more time since I have been blogging, to create. I am more relaxed, happier and feel like I can finally now squeeze in some time for myself.

Teacher's gifts

2006-06-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

Today I had to decide what to get Kayla's four teachers for end of the year gifts, even though she will be there during the summer and is not graduating to kindergarten. I filled sun tea jars from an idea I heard about with crystal light and did different tages on them. They came out cute, I bought lemons and limes to top off with the day that I will drop them off. I also decorated some composition note books. I tried to do these 'teacherly' and not so artistically, maybe that is an excuse that I just am not as talented as I would like to be! It was fun, that is all that counts. Now onto a baby shower gift and two little girl birthday gifts. If I don't do something creative, I just don't feel like I am giving from my heart, can't wait to wrap the notebooks! I have lots of blogging to catch up on! Yikes!

My Memorial

2006-06-03T15:59:00.000-07:00

When this week's challenge was presented for Mixed Media Memoirs I thought about all those that have passed onto another life. I always think of life after death and how it must be very peaceful and loving. I occassionally surround myself with angelic figurines that may bring peace to my soul. My mother Pauline gave my daughter a figurine of Mother Mary that she had next to her bedside when she was a little girl. She is missing her praying hands as they fell off through the years. She put Mary in a box I had painted her for Christmas along with some grass. Kayla has placed Mary next to her bed in her 'nest'. I cherish everything anyone has ever given to me and usually have a story for each gift, as I believe when someone gives, they give from the heart. Inside the box lays Mary each night in her nest, along with a prayer card for our neighbor who died on April 10th this year. Kayla speaks of John often and last night told me that he was camping up in Heaven and that God was just about done fixing him so he could come back home and be with Mary (his wife). I love her spirituality. My memorial is my memory of a loving family and beautiful friendships. I cherish each day and try to make sure everything I do is contributing to someone's happiness. I have been better accepting of days that I am not able to help everyone with their problems and have taken more of a step back for ME. I want to be remembered as a person that truly cared for everyone and whose heart broke when you were sad. I want to remembered as a woman who loved so much around her and had a true concern for those she knew and loved. I want Kayla Elisabeth (Wise Child, Consectrate from God) to love all things and not feel the pain I have felt for others. I want her to be more accepting of what God's plan is for her...and me....our family..and our friends....

Trip to the Farm

2006-06-01T09:43:00.000-07:00

TODAY IS THURSDAY....I work 2-11 and in the morning, Kayla and I have mommy and kayla time. She has a class trip to a local farm today so we went. I had to get her out of bed because after school and karate last night, Mark took her to the carnival until 9:30. She was tired and didn't really want to be there with all the kids, so she kept off to her own. At first I was getting aggravated, but I decided, this is HER day too, HER trip to the farm. She wanted to go sit in the truck and get a drink. All the mothers were telling their kids that they had to wait until it was all over until they could. I decided, it is hot, buggy, smelly and Kayla wants a drink! So, I took her to the truck to get some cheeze-its and a drink. The mothers were all asking me what was wrong when I got back. Nothing! I simply said, Kayla wanted a rest and a few mintues to herself...She likes to be around the kids, but only when she is at school, when she is with me, she just wants mommy, and that is ok, because I want her just as much...I need to let her have her independence...she still had fun, she did things on her own...I always close my eyes when I am with her and just imagine what life was without her. She has brought a new dimension to my life. She has a sweet soul and a deep love for so many things in life. I felt a little lonely today with the whole group, but needed to step away from it and just realize why I was there. For her, so she could grow, experience something new and take from it what she decides to. I think her favorite part was going to the car with me! And that is ok! I loved it too! She was so sweet, she even said, mommy you can go and come back if you want, I will sit here alone....so thoughtful, so caring...My girl...I love her with the strongest passion I have ever felt in my life...I have to go to work now but Thursdays she gets dropped off at a friends for just 4 hours. She loves Susan, who has two little girls, Emily 8 and Elizabeth 11. She has such a good experience there. Tonight is Karate again for one hour, then 'Steak Dinna' with Daddy. They have been going since Kayla was born...every Thursday night....My Kayla and my Mark...what memories we have!

Fridays Finds - Red, White and Blue

2006-05-31T16:34:00.000-07:00

Maryanne, on of the few that read my blog, started friday's finds that I wanted to get involved with, but still have to set up my flickr account. She was kind enough to send me some great information on how to get on, but I just have not done it yet. By this Friday, I will! But I wanted to post something Red, White and Blue that I found. I used to collect seaglass, and separated it by color, put into fanstatic jars and gave it to my aunt when I was cleaning closets and she sold them at her thrift store. I saved my blue, because I knew how hard it was to find. I found a marble that had been very weathered and I remember when I found it, I just let out the deepest sigh. Parts of the white have expanded beyond the blue. My seaglass walks along Plymouth beach were taken when I was going through a lonely stage in my life. I lost interest in collecting it, but I am glad I saved this. I also kept the few pieces of red that I found. At my baby shower, my sister in law scattered purple and white seaglass on the tables, mixed with seashells and hydregnas..the people I love know what I love...my mother at the time collected a bunch of pieces and put them in a bottle and sent them to me for Christmas....her and my dad exchanged heart shaped pieces of green seaglass instead of rings on their second marriage to eachother! (yes, they sold their original set of rings when they divorced each other). When I get into something, it seems like the people around me begin to love the same things...seaglass, its a wonder, little pieces of glass scattered, so hard to find!

Agnieskzka's Birthday

2006-05-30T17:25:00.000-07:00

On June 3rd it will be my sister in laws birthday...she lives in New York with my brother. They officially started dating on the day that my daughter was born. She's originally from Poland. She is a lovely lovely woman and she always asks me to paint her boxes and decopague them ( I don't even know how to spell). I love making and decorating boxes...I do it before I even buy the gift...I always match the gift with the packaging, however, whoops, this time not so coordinated! I got her a pretty skirt from old navy and a few tank tops along with a belt. She looks good in everything, but mostly gets dressed very fashionably for her job. This outfit will be for kicking around (not like my worn out sweat pants and a tshirt!). I had to cut my time short on the gift because I spent so much time decorating. Her box is the one in the middle, but the other two I keep my pens and stamps in....I know there are a lot of techniques out there, but these are just so simple. Glue, paint and scrapbook paper! I made some journals for Kaylas teachers for next week (end of officially school year, but they keep her all summer! along with a few others!) I had a package of 'wallies' and used them on the box and the journals....they were just not so perfect flowers that had the glue already on the back of them...all you have to do is wet with a sponge! So, my sister in law loves my boxes and always asks for them....I love that she gets excited...she is an incredible woman,

A Perfect Day

2006-05-30T03:21:00.000-07:00

I have tried over and over to post this over the past two days, don't know what is going on....but I guess it is all a learning experience! Let's try one more time before I have to stop blogging for today! There should be journal entries posted, if not, then I will try again tonight when I get home!

Memorial Day

2006-05-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

I will post my journal entries that I wrote on the beach today, but if I don't get started soon, I will not get anywhere! These pics were taken today in Plymouth, my writing later will explain my love for this town. The day was peaceful. I needed this day, it was worth the wait, everything was perfect. No stress, time to write, time to breathe....These pics are of Plymouth Rock, the Mayflower, a little tug boat we saw, and the back of our boat where Mark zip tied the flag that Kayla picked out at the Christmas Tree Shop....more later....

Mark's 39th Birthday

2006-05-25T03:46:00.000-07:00

I always make lists to keep me on track and ensure that I accomplish everything I have set out to do and when it comes to my husband's birthday, I get into a real situation where I just never know what to get him and it turns out to be a stressful situation. Mark grew up with not much, I won't embarrass him by telling you what little he did have growing up. He started a successful business and now he has been fortunate enough to have a great fortune for the work he has done. We see things differently in that I like time with my family and he likes to be physically working or building something on his days off. So I have four days coming up and I am so glad I wrote this card. Mark bought a boat last summer and anything he ever buys, he has to add his own touch too...so he bought a new engine and is putting it in the boat. He bought a new sewing machine and made rugs, he had the interior all reupholstered....I went out on it once last year and feel like he just goes too fast...it is not enjoyable for me..neither is all of the time he has spent over the past few months perfecting it....he works hard and I don't want to ruin his weekend with my attitude about what he will be doing..he will be working on this thing until Monday so we can all go out on it...so I came up with a list of things I can do for the family this weekend to keep my sanity...I posted it here because when I share my feelings it helps me through the day, no matter if one person reads it or no one reads it, I still have gotten it off my mind...I hope I can committ to these promises....it is a good start, now I have to get going since I am working tonight, and tomorrow! I bought him an Airforce scrapbook from Michaels that I couldnt even start, so I will wrap it up and tell him it is a work in progress..I wanted to finish my book from Disney World in January, and I got him some items for the boat, towels, cooler bag....it just seems like he doesnt go for the simple things in life like I do.....I am going to work on him this weekend! I need to breathe....unwind....relax....

Mixed Media Memoirs - Time

2006-05-24T02:45:00.000-07:00

This week's post for Mixed Media Memoirs was time, and I laid in bed creating my post last night high on caffine..made me think a lot of what I do and what I would rather be doing.....

Heaven in Little Girl's Eyes

2006-05-24T02:37:00.000-07:00

Child's Painting

2006-05-16T04:03:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post a painting that Kayla brought home from school last week. I love her school. She is so happy there and she comes home with the most creative projects. I love this one because she drew picture of a flower and told the teacher what it was. She doesn't know all of her letters yet, but they let her trace the word. I love the fact that she drew all the branches and the roots. The work she brings home everyday helps me better to accept that I am not home with her. Kayla loves flowers, landscaping. My husband takes her on the mower at least once a week and she has fun cutting the grass with him and she takes care of the plants and flowers in the yard. I grew up with mostly greens, not a lot of color or flowers. My parents have a beautiful yard with a lot of japanese gardens styles throughout. Mark just plants whatever he can get his hands on and all he does he does with love. There is color everywhere, but it is maintained nicely, not too sculptured, just looks natural like it grew there...I think Kayla will be all about color. When I was little, I got my ears pierced and got the simple gold studs. Kayla picked out blue stone flowers with Pink in the middle last week. I am looking at her pretty little ears right now...she helps me type my posts, I tell her what letters to push and she gets all excited... I am going to let her discover herself, discover color, be creative in her appearance.

Mixed Media Memoirs; My Mother.

2006-05-15T19:49:00.000-07:00

Mixed Media Memoirs; My Mother is what I decided to write about today. It took me longer than I had thought. Doesn't everything? It was worth it though, took me back in time, reminiscing about my sweet relationship with my mother, my angel.

Friday's Finds - Lonesome Rainy Days

2006-05-13T14:57:00.000-07:00

My second attempt at participating in something through blogging, hope it works! This is my entry for friday's finds. Today it was rainy and my husband wanted to go to the Mall. I don't like the MALL because I work there all week, and I just would prefer to rummage around somewhere. I didn't need anything and just was not in the mood, but went anyway because Kayla wanted a new Build a Bear. We went down to Plymouth MA after the mall and did a little antiquing. I didn't know where to start, I have not been in years. I have enough furniture, etc. and was not sure what I was looking for. Something sweet. I found this postcard and I thought it sort of described how I feel. I always think that my feelings are different from everyone, and have always found it hard to connect with others that understand me. My husband gave me some space while I went through some old cards. I found a few that I liked. My daughter found a doll in a little rocking chair that she is sleeping with now. I shall take a picture of it later! I did not realize that one of the post cards was a little girl with an umbrella and a doll, just like Kayla today! I want some more sweet 'me' moments, I want to experience more with my family doing things I love to do, and having them appreciate them.

Mother's Day Memories

2006-05-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

My first mother's day without a Grandmother. It was this past November that I was at work placing a piece of furniture on the shelf that smelled like her last apartment in New York City. The apartment was filled with Italian families that cooked all day and you could just smell the garlic down the hallways when you entered the building. I closed my eyes and thought of her not worrying about what customers saw me. I wanted to make sure it was not my imagination. It wasn't. I smelled it again, and there it was...something that reminded me of her...I wore her rings that day, two antique rings, beautifully handmade in Italy, white gold with the prettiest stones. I had a feeling that morning that she wouldn't be around much longer. I said good night to those I worked with and told them I had a feeling that my Grandmother would die tonight, they all thought it was a strange thing to say. I logged onto my email the next morning and my dad was on the way to get her ashes down in Georgia. She passed at 7pm that previous night, I smelled her at 7pm, and left work at 730pm. I have always felt a connection with God, little messages are sent to me like this from time to time. I was at peace with her passing.

Life's Gardens

2006-05-11T04:57:00.000-07:00

My yard is very woodsy and this particular garden was here when we bought the house. Last year we were going to plant grass over it and cover it up. It is in the middle of nowhere nd near a little area where we dump our leaves, which was a huge hole that the previous owners used to 'burn'. We have been covering it up over years so that it would be level with the rest of the yard. Last year, my husband's customer dug up his entire yard because he did not like the landscaping. This tree used to be outside of a house we rented and was symbolic to us both. Mark dug it up and brought it over and replanted it. For months he thought about whether it could survive the transport or not. This year, it flowered, and everytime I look out the window, and I see my garden I close my eyes and take a deep breath and think of my husband and how he is just so talented. He enjoys being in the yard and taking care of all the plants, flowers, trees. Each year he adds something very beautiful. Last year he added a walkway of blue stone slate that he dug up from behind my parents house on Long Island. We used to have a patio growing up and my mom dug it up and trashed it behind this huge rock where they dumped their leaves. When I showed Mark, he said that the stone was so old and such good quality, why did they throw it out. We brought it home and he built me a walkway to my front steps. It reminds me of when I was a little girl, these stones were outside of my mother's bedroom, looking out onto the patio. Mark does things with such ease, he is a natural. I struggle with projects, where he just embraces them and is at ease with the finished look. I admire him everyday for his accomplishments. He is an artist. His landscaping, woodworking, mechanical abilities...he is gifted....I hope that he is proud of what he does. He has such passion for his work...yet he does not obsess over it and just accepts things the way that they are. No stress, no indecision...He also does a beautiful job re-creating, bringing back to life things that people just dispose of. He treasures everything in life and takes such great care of our home, our family. He does not smile though and thinks it is just normal to accomplish these things...people look at him in awe and he just does not see how good he is....someday I will write about what a great father he is....another thing that just amazes everyone that sees him and her together...he has made the best of his life...never complains, just moves forward with whatever life gives him...I wish I could learn more from him.... I want to look outside and see something that I have accomplished. I hide from it, because I am scared of obsessing over projects and seeing what the outcome could be. I need to have more confidence and patience. I have not showed Mark my blog yet, maybe I will show him tonight. I want to be in the gardens, play, have fun.....with him.....

What My Style Says About Me

2006-05-11T03:03:00.000-07:00

This weeks Mixed Media Memoirs Topic 'What My Style Says about Me' made me obsess about my closet and what is in there, what does not fit, what I don't like that I have been hanging on to. For years, my colors were black and white. I tried to add color and every time I do, the items that I buy end up being worn once, and then I either throw them out or hand them down to someone. I spend a lot of money on clothes that I buy with intentions that it is going to make me feel 'better', then in fact, they end up making me feel worse. Maybe it is just bad timing and maybe I just think too much about the things that bug me. The truth is, I am happy with classic colors and fits. Growing up, I was called the Lady in Black. I was also on the best dressed list in High School so I know that my choice of colors didn't affect my unique style and fashion. I feel like I don't have the time to feel and look good. My job requires me to work 50 hours a week and I don't have any family support for childcare. I struggle every day trying to find a balance and just get stressed out. It affects the way I look and feel. I have an additional 20 lbs on me from giving birth that I have trouble keeping off. I gain, lose, gain, lose. I wake up every morning thinking of a New Day and how can I move forward and keep positive. I need to create a plan on how to feel better and move forward more positively.

My First Tag!

2006-05-05T07:24:00.000-07:00

My first tag! Tagged by firstborn wanted to get so creative on this one, but I will just have to settle for words, wanted to incorporate something fun, just didn't have the time today!
5 things in My Fridge
Lots of diet pepsi (caffinne addiction)
Crystal Light Peach Tea (more caffinne)
Weight Watchers Yogurt (haven't tried it yet)
Juice boxes for playdates (lots of friends over all the time!)
Lots of dried up rotten fruit (my hopes everyday to have more!)
5 things in My Purse
Lots and lots of Target debit receipts
A loose roll of quarters because I don't like using debit cards at Dunkin Donuts
Juice box
Carmex for chapped lips
a few of my husbands combs that he is always looking for
5 Things in My Closet
Lots of red and khaki clothes (work)
Calvin Klein jeans
Clothes that are a size too small
Few piles of dirty laundry
wrinkle free button down liz claiborne shirts
5 Things in My Car
Voter Registration receipt, finally felt educated enough to register
empty Dunkin Donuts bag (had a bagel yesterday on the way to work)
Stuffed bunny about 3 ft. tall, don't know why it is here, my husband bought it DVD player for long road trips Herbie soundtrack, we sing the 'Magic' song on the way to school

May 1st

2006-05-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

I had some issues with my computer lately, and have had a late time posting, so trying to get this one done before work, this one I wrote three days ago, just getting a bit of time now. I am starting to become committed to this, and have now found someone who I have been connecting with Mary Ann! so nice to meet you....and I have been tagged for the first time, so excited, can't wait to respond, maybe when I get home from work tonight! It's strange, it is like reading a book, but its real, real people, real stories....

Another Sick Day

2006-05-02T04:03:00.000-07:00

I stayed home sick with Kayla today. Don't know how the store with do without me today, but I am sure they are not thinking about it as much as I am. I need to let go and writing helps me accept that I am not feeling well!

My Tiger Girl

2006-04-27T09:25:00.000-07:00

I wanted to try some new things, since I am new to blogging, so I tried out a picture here which is one of my favorites, because Kayla is living free with Daddy down in Disney World. They went last year the day after Thanksgiving on a whim, booked it on the way home from spending the holidays with my family in New York. Two hours after getting back home, they were on a plane. I adore my husband for just doing things and not thinking about all the details that I do. He gets up and goes! I have obsessed all day over my trip to New York this weekend, but after I saw this picture, I know how much fun we will have when we get to our destination.
Be Free, Be Wild, live life, this is what this picture tells me.

Waking Up

2006-04-27T03:41:00.000-07:00

Every morning anywhere from 4am through 630am depending on whether or not I have to run off to work, I get up and immediately go for the coffee so I can get a quick buzz before Kayla wakes up. She is four and the minute she wakes up she tries to figure out what day it is. She loves each and everyday, because she has a different experience each day. Today she woke up and asked if today was Mommy and Kayla day. I explained that it was our morning and that later she will go to Susan's, a friend of mine who watches her for about three hours on Thursdays. She has fun at Susan's, who is very kind, loving, has two girls of her own who they pick up from school and who treat Kayla like their little sister. This day is good, she is excited, at peace with her plan. 7 months prior to this new experience of having her cared for while I was at work was much different. It took years to find the right arrangement. There was always something I was uncomfortable with. I try to reach down and figure out why I went along with things the way I did. My husband and I are different, I thought I should stay at home with Kayla and he thought I should work. I go along with what people want me to do because it is easier than conflict and fighting. I thank God that after 4.5 years of giving birth that I am comfortable with my situation. I still had to give into my disbeliefs, but I made it through. Everyday was a struggle. I still struggle with what is of utmost importance. After starting to read Melba's blog, she sounded as though she had a great balance between her work (art and connecting) and caring and having fun with her kids. I had to choose between housework and more time with Kayla. I have let my house go a bit and now spend that additional time I would be obsessing about it, creating and doing special things with her. I still each and every day evaluate my decisions and go back and forth was it a good one, a bad one, what could I have done differently. Being a mom, you have to make the ultimate decision, which I guess I never really liked to do, knowing that I would have to suffer the consequences of not making the right decision and when I solicited advise it made the pain and the let down easier. The decisions I have been faced with regarding her health, provider care, and development I never thought I could acheive. I have finally and grow more confidently each and every day that I am smart enough and loving enough to be her mom. I have let go of the guilt that if I am not in the same room with her that I am not a bad mother, I am learning each day to balance what I need to do, what I love to do and what I want to do. Focus is my goal for today, focus on what I need to do to get ready for our weekend trip and not feel guilty about what I might not be able to accomplish. Clean out the car, pack, find the right clothes for everyone, clean the house so the dog sitter doesnt think I am a pig, exercise so I dont feel fat in front of my well fit mother and sister in laws. These are things that are important for me, so without accomplishing them and setting goals for myself, I feel let down and guilty that I couldnt acheive what I set out for myself. After my coffee, I will write out my routine for the day, fit in the extras that I will need to do to get ready for the weekend, and still get out of the house by 1pm for the sitter and get to work by 2. I dont know why it seems easier for others, is it me? I dont know, I think I make time for everything and everyone and that is why I am so busy! I consider everyone in the process, but they dont always consider me, that is why I think I am overwhelmed. I am going to make a choice today, to take care of myself and my family so that we can all enjoy the weekend without feeling anxious and overwhelmed.

Day one of a New Adventure

2006-04-26T02:10:00.000-07:00

An acquaintance introduced me to blogging, and I have committed over and over to connect with her and have her help me start my blog. I was feeling empty this morning and decided to try to set it up myself, and I am hoping this is successful. I want to find more time for creatively expressing myself and connecting with women that may have experienced some of the same struggles I have with work and family life balance, indecision, and guilt about decisions I have made in my life. I ran into my friend while I was working this weekend, and knew that I was in the environment that I could not express myself the way I wanted to. She gave me a hug when I saw her, that I needed, but I didn't get to tell her how I was truly feeling. Wouldn't it have been great if she was visiting my dream gift shop and I could sit and have tea with her! Someday, someway, I will put my passions ahead of my guilt and my need to please others, and find a better place to be! Melba, I hope I have done this right and thank you for reaching out! I will start my day with a more positive approach because of this!