Sweet Memories

I am a career woman with one child, striving to find a better balance between life/work. I enjoy documenting memories, and am striving to get more creative with sharing them with others. I struggle with making decisions, and am seeking a stronger support system and want to learn from others' experiences. I want to connect more with those that have a sweet sensitive spirit.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Lucky Mom

She is asleep...no progress today or for the past three days with what we set out to do. This has given me the time to turn the TV off, and just focus on looking into her eyes, to get to where she is, what she is thinking. She is intense. Today, I probed, asked her "What makes you happy?" (you do mommy). What makes you sad? (not you Mommy), Good night my beautiful angel, I love you (good night my beautiful mommy, I love you). I am so blessed. I cannot ask for more, she is so capable of loving me. That is all for today, tomorrow is another doctor's appointment. She is ok, more than ok, and whatever is causing her to do what she is doing, we will get to the bottom of it. Whatever is going on we are going to work on. She tells me I am her favorite thing in life, (oops and Daddy too, she always says), she loves us so much and just wants to tell us all the time....we are so lucky to have such a loving and sweet child. I just want her to poop on the damn toilet! I would do anything!

Signing off For a While

Well, although blogging has been new to me and I have not been able to even figure out how to put bloggers that have supported me and offered me advice at my most sensitive moments , you are all in my hearts and soul, I read you every day. I don't always leave comments. Right now my life feels like it is falling apart more than I can really even handle. I need to remove computer time, phone time and focus on what is important to my family. My daughter is having some problems, physical and emotional, that I need to address. I have taken four days off to help deal with them to try to get to the bottom of some things, but have not made a lot of progress. Because all of you are my friends, and I know you care and are concerned, I will tell you, she is first of all 'Stool Holding', which has created some physical pain and some health issues. She also refuses to go in the toilet, I have up until about a week ago, offered her a pull up and let her do her thing. I have now removed that option so my home has been to say the least a challenge to keep clean. Also, a dear person in my life, her teacher, who is a mentor to me, has reminded me that things we discussed last year have not changed for the better. She has some inattention issues. I, myself, have diagnosed her with ADD, the inattention part of it, not the hyperactivity, so I am documenting some of my examples and will discuss at Tuesdays follow-up visit with her pediatrician. But here is my biggest issue of all, I blame myself and here I am typing this, feeling low and depressed, because I feel ultimately responsible. My sensitivities, my emotionalism, my inability to be here for her because of work. I have already looked into a leave of absence and this may be necessary down the road to deal with these problems, as I am a very important part of helping her with this. So my friends, know that your writings help me, make me smile, make me think of how I can change for the better, but my emotional energies and spirit will be with Kayla helping her 24/7 with anything I can do to make her feel better about what she is going through. I love all of you, and you have all helped me in more ways than you can imagine. I am not going to attach links here, with your sites, not enough time, but I will try to list all of you! (Melba, Caroline, Maryann, Suzie, Kerry, Jaimee) Please just think of me, if you have any words of wisdom for me, please help. I look to all of you for peace/ I know that we can get through this, I just feel so badly for my little one, like I cant figure out what to do as her mother to help her. I pray, my mom sends reike, we create all day long, we love and talk to eachother all day. I am going to start by writing a to do list that 'She creates" today and tell her that the only thing I want her to do is talk about what is bothering her. I know some of you don't have children, however, your experiences with people, sensitive people, may help you to understand, and also I know you all have such a deep love for life, and you know I do also, so you can imagine how this is affecting me. I am off to write my to do list for today, I may even have her write it herself. She is not in Kindergarten yet, but knows how to spell all the letters. I am proud of her in so many regards, she is really a creative sensitive soul and reminds me everyday that Daddy and I should kiss more! Thanks for listening!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Rested and Relaxed

I am back from vacation, and it was more relaxing than I imagined it to be. Back to reality, work and taking care of the house and family (did I forget to say taking care of myself, yes, that is my normal way, forgetting about ME). I finished an easy read while I was away, the little bit of quiet time I got to myself at night when everyone was to bed http://www.debbiemacomber.com/agoodyarnexcerpt.htm and it got me really thinking of the simple things I love in life. I have always wanted to start my own business and I am always onto another idea, I need to stick with one idea, and start documenting my plan and ideas. My head becomes so full, I begin to race and get confused. I need to set aside a little time each day to start developing my plans. I love parties, throwing them, making favors, etc. and after reading my book The Good Yarn, it made me think of my Children's Party Business. I have always wanted to open a shop, a little upscale gift shop, where I can have an area for crafters, and then a little room for kids parties. I would also host parties outside of the shop. I could start without the shop and host parties at homes. I need to come up with some initial themes for particular age groups and work from there. I am going to start keeping a journal with my ideas. I think that will be a start. My scanner is broken, need my hubby to take a look at it, so my entries will be boring for a while. How do you keep your dreams, your plans, in order? My mind keeps racing. I want to develop a timeline, some goals and commitments. I don't have a lot of time, but I need to make it for what I love to do. Where do I start? I think if I made the time, got everything down on paper, I would realize how much more I have planned that I think....

Monday, October 09, 2006

GoodBye for a week

We are heading for Disney World until Sunday, celbrating my 39th birthday down there. Today Mark bought me a nice new digital with a cute printer, etc...need some technology lessons on how to! We will catch a flight tonight, I get so worked up when I leave. My True Balance Book is coming along with me, I plan on doing some soul searching while I am away. There are a lot of things I need to start doing to try to relax and stop worrying about so much. I want to start creating lots of goodies for the holidays, so maybe while I am away, I will write and read and plan....I am realizing from my writing that I just worry too much about too much, and even things I have no control over. I want to start sharing more positive things on my blog. My hubby just informed me all of our computers are linked together and that he reads my blog all of the time, just never mentioned it. I asked him if his feelings were hurt by anything I said, and he explained not at all. Potato Print gave me some advice in my last post, she left a comment telling me a bit about how she explains things to her hubby. I have been more gentle with Mark, Thank you for your advice! It is working and going to make my travels more fun! Iill tell you, to me blogging is therapy! People listen, they learn about you, and they guide you, and that is what I need and have longed for....My next vacation wont be to WDW, we go a lot, and after getting a little more in touch with my creative side, well, I would rather be browsing around some antique store! I cant wait to write, and post what I have written while on vacation....I am also sticking to my diet! yeah! Oh, I have some bad news, none of my clothes fit! I had to change my outfit several times, and all those cute capris and shorts that were snug last time we went, well, they are loose! yeah baby!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Good and Bad Days

I have so many really good days that can instantly turned into a bad day becasue of my sensitivity and concerns. Yesterday I did my Wednesday thing, work from 7-5 (well, I went in at 6 to 'catch up' on writing some reviews for employees); got dressed at work, went to karate to watch K for a half hour, left there to go to a weight watchers meeting, found out I lost another 3.8, so I am up to 9 lbs in three weeks, now why cant I be happy with that? I felt like I had lost 10 and told everyone I did, so I felt like I disappointed myself. My husband has said nothing to me about it, until I came home, his way of 'caring' and he says he never knows what to say, because it seems whatever he does I might take offense to...so he said, "so how much"..I didnt answer and it began sort of starting a little attitude going back and forth....and it sucked because I know my lack of response started a little spat...just a non supportive, judgemental little thing right before bed....so, now I wake up feeling unfullfilled and awful....I feel unmotivated....b eat up... I love him dearly and I dont mean to bitch about him, and I hope that is not the way I am coming across but I feel as though I have supported him in every way that I can over the past years and feel as though he has just gotten comfortable with the way I have been, and now I need a little more. I am going through some serious life decisions right now with getting pregnant and figuring out what I will do with my career if I do, and if I cant we are going to go the adoption route. I just feel like I want him to be the stronger one. I dont want to be, I want to look to him to be..and it just seems like he wants me to be this tough woman that I am just not right now...I am weak, I am faking that I am strong enough to handle everything that is happening right now. I feel ok about my weight loss, and in the past I would let stress get off track, and I am not right now, I am moving forward with the day of healthy and controlled eating..I am already down a size and I feel great, only 8 more pounds to lose and I will be where I was before I got pregnant. I want to share my loss with my mom, but want to 'surprise' her when I see her, and maybe it is my way of not wanting to disappoint her if I fall off. I dont think I will fall off. We are leaving for vacation on Monday night late, and returning on Sunday early day for soccer. You see my vacation plans are 'selfless' too, I booked late Monday night even though we have our timeshare starting Sunday so my hubby could wrap up any necessary paperwork or jobs on Monday which is a holiday, so he will have all day to do that, then coming back early on Sunday am so my daughter could still go to her soccer and not miss one. Now I have to balance cleaning the house, doing bills, getting everything done for a big corporate visit on Monday, packing, and then figuring out what I will eat while I am away. They have a new Core Plan on Weight Watchers that you can eat chicken, steaks, seafood, kind of like Atkins, and I talked about it at last nights meeting, this is what I will have to do so I dont have to count those points and write down everything I eat. You can eat 'whatever' from the menus. I have made reservations at places that have fish and meat, restaurants that I usually dont eat at, but it will be a nice change..something different....I will be celebrating my 39th birthday there on October 12th and eating at Boma http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/wdw/dining/diningDetail?id=BomaFlavorsofAfricaDiningPage for dinner. My husband has already expressed concern that oh no, it is your birthday down there, what are we going to do for your 'party', I have only really given him a break once, which was last year, and let him do something big for me...usually I just like it to be celebrated quietly with the three of us...you see everyone thinks I am just so outgoing and like things big, I truthfully am a mellow, quiet, person who likes quiet moments with my family.....so I am glad that I am going down to Florida to 'escape' the realities of home and work. I tend to 'babble' in my posts and I am sorry, it is just a way that I get what is bothering me 'out' without having to worry anyone around me...the truth is I am worried about how we are going to get along, I want to just relax but I dont want to agree with everything and just go along for the ride....I want to express myself and be listened to.....