Sweet Memories

I am a career woman with one child, striving to find a better balance between life/work. I enjoy documenting memories, and am striving to get more creative with sharing them with others. I struggle with making decisions, and am seeking a stronger support system and want to learn from others' experiences. I want to connect more with those that have a sweet sensitive spirit.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Disciplines


I know these pics wont come out too well, but I went to Walmart to pick up some film today that had been gone for while, and they apologized that they were free because they were 'late'. I wasn't planning on picking them up until today, but hey, I didn't argue. I ran around today getting things ready for the big #5 party next weekend. I felt awful, womanly stuff, seems to come every 2 weeks now. Got my old post card results back in the mail, everything in my womanly body seems to check out ok, even though they come every two weeks and I get it so bad that I cant even stand up, everything checks out fine. What a ridiculous way that we get out confidential results back in the US mail, folded over taped postcard. Today I felt like a worthless woman. I had to call for two weeks to get someone that could read the results over the phone. Anyway, these pics cheered me up. K is practicing her karate at the beach. She goes twice a week for an hour each. She only has one yellow stripe, and goes after a very long day, so she is tired, but she still continues to keep her plan on going each week. She was the only one who showed up a few weeks back when it was 104 degrees. She had two senais helping her that night. I love the disciplines that she has. She is very routine with this and I owe it all to her daddy for being so consistent with her. Tonight we got into a little argument about letting her have caffeine and chocolate ice cream before bed. I had gone out to get a haircut and when I came home her pj bottoms were inside out, her shirt was on backwards and it had chocolate ice cream stains all over it. I told him how hard it is to get chocolate ice cream stains out of clothing and how Kayla has not been going to bed until 11pm and with the bitchiness that I have going on with my period, I cannot even believe that he is giving her caffinee and chocolate (more caffinee). I told him it was unacceptable. He is a great dad, but sometimes just does so much that the little important things are missed, like brushing teeth, brushing hair. He has so much fun with her, and does so because he skips over the important things. So needless to say, he is upstairs sufferring with her, getting her to try to calm down for bed. Good luck. I wish I had more disciplines in my life, I plan them and then veer off pretty easily. I need more routine in my life. I need more scheduling. I dont have a lot of free time, or time to do stuff around the house, and I do better managing all this that a lot of people I know, but I need to get better, I need more energy, more peaceful moments. I get anxious a lot when I lay in bed at night. I have sleep issues. I worry a lot about everything and everyone. But my hormones are all screwed up too...so I have to attribute some of it to my health. Well, one discipline that I keep is getting my haircut and colored every four weeks, thank god! I feel better and not so droopy now. I need to get back on my exercise program, not consistent for years. I need help with that. I need to join a program, and stop trying to think I can help myself.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Note from a Friend

Never does a friend usually offer advice to me, for some reason, I guess I am always 'looking' but usually they just 'listen'. The past two weeks, I went through a series of tests to find out why some things were happening, and got all of the results back, nothing serious, so I am fine! My daughter had to go on some medication that makes her so she cant totally control when and where she goes to the bathroom (she would 'hold' it and it was making her terribly sick all of the time) and my littlest dog, Lally, has lymes disease, just found out at her routine appointment this week. So, it has been stressful, and I was feeling responsible for my daughter's issues, my dogs, and thought I had waited too long to go to the doctors myself. So I was telling her how I was feeling guilty and responsible for everything. I know everyone has their problems, sometimes I just don't feel like I have a good support system. I have a few wonderful friends (Like M) that I talk with, but no one that lives real close to me that I can just throw my arms around when I am feeling like this. It is hard sometimes, so hard I just want to run back to NY and have my mom take care of me and scratch my back to soothe the pain. My husband has had to be Mr. tough guy for survival purposes in the past and does not dwell on the negative stuff, thinks if there is nothing you can do about things, forget about it, deal with it. This is what M wrote to me after our call:
Hope that you are feeling better today. I know that the news about the dog and kayla needing medicine really upset you. You always seem to make yourself feel guilty about things. That makes tough times hard. I usually do the very same thing. I thought of something that gave me a chance to not feel so guilty all of the time. Please don't take this as an insult because these were words that Rich once said to me about myself...... Although he was never really filled with wisdom this one stuck with me. We were arguing one time about whatever. He turned to me and said "why don't you get that chip off of your shoulder and stop thinking that the world revolves around you--everything doesn't happen because of you" He was obviously being mean at the time but it made me think. I am just one person and it is a bit vain of me to believe that I am the cause of everything and that I am the one who stops bad things from happening This actually helped me when he died. I keep in mind that I am just one person and it would be very presumptious of me to believe that his death was my fault. I don't or can't control the destiny of people. I hope that you can understand my point in all of this. It is hard to explain. It is just something that helps me when I start feeling guilty about everything in the world. Hope this doesn't just sound like the rambling of a crazy woman. Anyways we all do what we can do to make things go well in this world. When things go wrong the test is more about how we cope with problems. In your case you always rise up to meet the challenge and that is the sign of a truly strong woman. Hope this helps you.
This helped a lot, and then of course I starting looking at the book's introduction that I am participating in reading with Melba's group. I will write more later because I do have to be to work at 5am so all of you moms out there can make sure you have all of your back to school items! My hope is that this book helps me deal with some of the guilt of motherhood and help me to be more at peace with my life and decisions. Here is Melbas link to her reading group:http://www.bealivebelievebeyou.com/believe/2006/08/reading_true_ba.html

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Tuesday's Play



Today I had some lovely little girls over that watch Kayla on Thursdays, her mom had to work, and we swapped a day, I told them we would be making cards, and they came loaded with stampin' up products and all sorts of goodies. I wish my digital was working, because they were so creative in their card making. It was breathtaking. They are 11 and 8 and you should have seen their creations. The 8 year old left one behind for me. My K was in the other room for a while with the paper cutter and we were not sure what she was doing, she came into our craft area and presented us all cards for her 'flower pary'. I am having her birthday party with the theme of flowers, garden and bugs...we have all ages and I always try to do something for everyone to enjoy. It is the one time a year that we have everyone together and we have fun with our creativity. I made a few cards, one for a good friend who just experienced a loss, and another thank you for a neighbor who had sent up some goodies the other day for us which I put in her mailbox as soon as I made it. I struggle with letting myself give into my creativity and follow the rules I think too much. I feel stifled sometimes, as I did yesterday, maybe it is because I think of everything i need to do all of the time....Today I am working the 'later' shift, I got a call from work that someone needed me to switch which works out good, it gives me another day with K to monitor her on a new medicine that she is taking. She is fine, but her her privacy, I wont tell all of you, just a little something that she is going through that is being fixed by some medication....that the doctor wanted her on last year, and I finally gave in because I tried everything else....kind of wierd after the visit, I ran into a girl I used to work with in the waiting room who said her son was on it, then the pharmacist told me her girl was on it, and a friend of mine who I had to touch base with that day said her son was on it too....it for medical reasons, and I know it is the right choice, just hard for mama....(I cant get any photos to post, will post later)

Monday, August 21, 2006

Sunday


Yesterday I had a great day, went to http://www.snipits.com/ for a haircut, to kohls to use a coupon (have not used one in years! free 10.00!); to http://www.cubbysclub.com/ for lunch and met my hubby after he had a job estimate (I told him he had an 'option' out, because a friend of mine called and asked if we wanted to go to the movies, and I told him that we wouldnt be too lonely if he decided he was too busy, but when he pulled up, I had that little sweet feeling inside like a little girl waiting to see if the boy she liked was going to be hanging around!); then we went to see http://www.barnyardmovie.com/home.html. It was a sweet day, we all had fun. Cubby's clubhouse is an awesome place to go, the only one where your kids just run around, play, and you can sit and enjoy a salad! Mark was cute he took care of ordering everything and was like the host, it was so sweet, taking charge of the playdate. K enjoys being around other kids and rarely wants alone time, she gets so excited when she gets to know other kids....the other day she asked me where Efan was (Ethan, melbas son) and she wanted to see him and Maggie to sing the Sticky Sticky bubble gum song (http://www.bealivebelievebeyou.com/believe/....melbas blog).... I never did write about our get together, I love Hyannis and for those of you that will be attending http://www.bealivebelievebeyou.com/justbeconnected/, you will just absolutely love the town in which it is to be held. It was hot, and we had all the kids, but we were able to visit the scrapbooking store, there is also a bead store that looked wonderful from the window. I spend at least a few days down that area a year, and October will be the perfect time of year, the crowds will be gone and if anyone decides to stay a few days before/after there is so much to do there....Melba is very driven in her idea and she has taken on such a beautiful endeavor to gather us all together....Her ideas are breathtaking, and I was lucky to have a day with her and see her ideas. Thanks Melba! Well, today I had to call in sick, K is not feeling well, so we are venturing to the doctors. I need to be with her today and never knowing what my boss will say (they have changed so so many times), he was very agreeable and said, look, you dont have to say anymore, just take care of your child and call me and let me know how things go, if you need to take the whole day off, just do so, don't worry. So, with that said, I will care for her today and be at her side, we are going through something very tough, and I feel awful for her. We need to get to the bottom of it, as she suffered over the weekend a lot. I know that Target is busy with back to school shoppers, but I will have to make it up to my team and pitch in some other time. K is my focus today. She needs me more than anyone does today. I will maybe get some decorations ready for her party, the ones I scanned will be scattered on the table cloths (I got some cheap shower curtains for table cloths, they are heavier!)...well, off to get ready to go see the doctor!

Friday, August 18, 2006

Busy Week

I have not been blogging..busy week...inventory at work and more doctors appointments, and K has a little issue with sick belly for a few days....prune juice and sprite concoction going on this morning..hope it works, as nothing else has...Went for an ultrasound that I will hear more about next week (how many fibroids, etc...) My friend that I was supposed to go away with tomorrow to Storyland is in the hospital, another one of my friends had a sudden death in the family...then my neighbor called to let me know her dilemma....her MIL took her kids for the day and as she was packing her cooler to go to the beach alone, her dog got into her cooler and ate her salad, now that is trauma....as we speak, it sounds like K has just taken care of her business....prune juice works much better than suppositories ladies...so all of these unexpected events have taken me away from blogging this week....oh, and I ran out of hairspray...so I have nothing to control my boufannte today.... when I went to the grocery store to buy prune juice, I picked up mousse instead? how can you confuse mousse with hairspray....guess it wasnt meant to be....so my hair will be big today...but the most important thing is that I have to send flowers to my friend that just lost her uncle, check in on my friend in the hospital...and hug K for all she has gone through these past few days with her belly being hurt....all other things can rest aside! Thanks for listening!

Saturday, August 12, 2006

I Don't Often Reveal.....


This week's topic for Mixed Media Memoirs is "I don't often reveal". I have been thinking of another baby for the past four years, and what the doctor said yesterday, is time is running out...I have a great fear of getting and being pregnant. I had a difficult pregnancy the first time around, and a lot of stresses that went along with them...not sure if I could physically do it again, and the fear of not having a healthy baby overcomes my every moment....I have been told, better start now trying, not sure if I can now...unless there are some changes made...I have tried to ease my way to this point, but it can't happen anymore, I need to be ready now or never....big decision that needs to be made here...I have already been told to see a counselor for my anxieties and fears of being pregnant....I will have to make an appointment as soon as next week...I think I have made the decision to go forward with trying and if it doesn't happen easily, I will look into adoption....either way, I will bring another life into this world, I have already made that decision today...it will be as Kayla says, "however it turns out"..when I asked her if she wanted a baby brother or sister someday..she is so much more at ease and she helps me with her words of wisdom....has anyone out there feared Down's Syndrome? I did not get my triple screen test last time around (now they test for 4 things)...and would NEVER do the amniocentesis...how do you get past your fears, I know I have options, but I don't have a lot of support where I can get away and take care of those fears....I have to start with tapes and quiet moments while I am here...

Thursday, August 10, 2006

A long but fullfilling day



I like to handwrite sometimes in bed, it is the only place lately where I can get some peace, but I was falling asleep as I was writing last night, I was beat. Today I woke up feeling horrible, made a doctors appt for tomorrow...not soon enough..hope I can get through today without stressing about how I have been feeling lately....I have fibroid tumors which I think are affecting the way I feel worse and worse each month, so hopefully I can explain this to my doctor again tomorrow and see what she can suggest other than the latest response, we will see how it goes....well, its not going, it sucks to be a woman sometimes....(again, if you double click, you can see my writing better..still have not mastered this all yet, but I dont let it hold me back!)

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Bug Party



I am planning a bug/garden party for Kaylas 5th, every year I get crazy with the party and this year is even worse, because she already has a group of friends, and now she is in preschool and I am stuck as to who I should invite, last year her class is all going to Kindergarden, and this year she has a whole new class. I may invite just the three girls that were part of the summer program that she hung around with a lot. I have such a feeling of being misplaced due to this school thing, I know that this year, I will get more involved with the parents and playdates with the kids at school, but for now, since her birthday is so close to the beginning of school, I will just go with the usual gang and maybe have a small Halloween party for the kids in her class at a later date, or even a little holiday craft party...obsessing already..I was up all night getting her invitations ready...started making them..Didn't take long after I got rolling with them..just need to make the little nets that dont take much time .....had fun with it...I just have to get everything down on paper and figure out the plans, I will have my parents and some other family in town, so it gets a bit hectic around her birthday, but its also nice, because it is the last horrah before the holidays, and since I am in retail, when I do these things, I do them big because I go into my busy time and usually cant do much around the winter months..... keeps me creative and busy doing things I like to do.....

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Camping Out

I have always been one to experience a new adventure, so I have passed that along to my little one. Her first camping trip was in a tent in an absoutlely beautiful campground called Paradox Lake in New York, http://camping.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=camping&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dec.state.ny.us%2Fwebsite%2Fdo%2Fcamping%2Fcampgrounds%2Fparadox.htmljust breathtaking. I had bought my hubby everything for camping for Fathers day. It was hard because K was just starting to walk and she got real dirty, but baby wipes always took care of the little dirt. We used the tent once, but this weekend, when we went to http://www.jellystonesturbridge.com/ we gave our tent to some of our friends to use, so they could spend the night there too. Another family came and brought their own tent and stayed. They will be going camping in Montana next year at Glacier National Park? and they have asked us if we would like to join them. I am not one for camping in a tent, I get little sleep as it is, and dont mind doing it in my backyard, but I think it would be too stressful. So, I am looking into the timeshare swap thing in Montana so we can go. I don't want to sound like a snob, but it is just not my thing. K is not at the age either where she sleeps well, and it just would not be restful. Her kids are older and more appreciative of that type of trip. So we may go and stay in a place and go hiking during the day.
I stayed home for my first year with K, long story short, I was working for a start up that didn't last long, so it was difficult to interview 8 months pregnant, and with the year severence, hey, why not...she needed me, she was sick a lot, so it just worked out for the best. On my first week with my new job a year later, I passed this trailer on the way for my training and told my hubby about it, since I was back to work, we could afford a camper, and not have to deal with the tent....it is like our little home, I love it and it is PERFECT for the three of us....we brought it with us this weekend, and we had a great time. The first night, we had the biggest cookout, all three families, 12 of us, sitting around after we swam in the pool and went down the water slide, and just ate well (steaks, hot dogs, hamburgers, corn and yummy salad)...it felt so good to entertain everyone in such a simple fashion...when you are home you have to worry about your house, etc..it was so nice....we had a wonderful time, made smores, the kids watched movies in the camper and we all went to bed at about 11:00...the next day we went to Sturbridge Village http://www.osv.org/, a place that I have always wanted to go to....I made this plan and everyone decided they wanted to come, it was AWESOME! It was hot, so a few of us decided to go back to the campground and go swimming while the others that love history stayed and watched the revolutionary war reenactment (the soldiers all set up overnight the night before and sleep in their tents, very real)...K especially had the best weekend, hanging with her friends..she loves new experiences and time with these kids...Both mornings I made homemade blueberry pancakes for the gang with bacon, eggs, english muffins..it was the best...I fit almost everyone in side with seating...what a complete blast we had! I then thought, why cant life at home be this simple? This is what I LOVE! Has anyone out there been camping? It is just so rejuvenating. I have decided that when I go camping, I will definitely investigate where we go...I like the campgrounds that have less to offer on the grounds, more privacy and more to offer in the form of sightseeing outside of the grounds, and more nature activities. The more they offer on the grounds, the more crowded it is....I like peace and serenity....the one upstate new york was like that, jellystone was not (I dont have any pics of that trip, no digital!) What a lovely experience with my family and friends...